There’s no point in sugarcoating it: divorce is one of the hardest and most painful things a person can go through — emotionally harrowing, logistically overwhelming, and in some cases financially devastating.
If you have kids, it’s even more difficult.
In the midst of navigating the legal complexity of the divorce process and tending to your own aching heart, you’re sorting through custody details. You’re trying to shield your child from conflict, maintain a consistent routine and sense of stability, preserve and nurture their emotional well-being, and support them through this confusing, painful, turbulent time. Like you, your children are experiencing a headspinning range of emotions: sadness, fear, anxiety, confusion, perhaps even guilt, wondering if they’re somehow responsible.
Most children are resilient – with time, they adapt emotionally and logistically to their new circumstances and living arrangements.
And yet, the divorce itself is really just the beginning of post-split parenting. Unless you’re in unusual or high-risk circumstances, you and your ex will continue to raise your children together in one form or another. Your marriage and romantic relationship end, but your parenting partnership does not. Your family structure and organization change, but you remain, in concrete and vital ways, family.
Although experts break it down in different ways and by various names, the dynamic between co-parents – and form of co-parenting – typically falls into one of three general categories (with significant range within each):
High-conflict. Although they attempt to parent together, these exes cannot get along and co-parent effectively. They can’t communicate without fighting and don’t understand each other’s point of view. In the worst scenarios, this becomes counterparenting, when the former partners actively undermine, spite, and sabotage one another, to the child’s detriment.
Parallel. Some co-parents choose to parent separately, even though they remain involved. Although they share responsibilities, each parent handles them in their own way, avoiding direct communication and making independent decisions; they are likely to opt out of the same events or activities. etc. Parallel parenting requires structure and a detailed parenting plan.
Cooperative. When possible, this is the gold standard. The exes may or may not be friends (or not yet), but they find a way to get along, set aside differences, communicate clearly and respectfully, focus on their child’s best interests, be flexible, helpful, and supportive. It’s not always easy, but they’re genuine collaborators, team players in child-rearing.
Research consistently shows that children are harmed more by ongoing parental conflict than divorce itself. In addition, studies demonstrate that when divorced parents find a way to set aside disagreement, hurt, and anger to put their kids’ needs first, the long-term negative impacts of divorce are minimized.
No doubt, it can be very challenging – but establishing a healthy, cordial, child-focused coparenting relationship is extremely beneficial to your child (and can make your life easier too).
Constructive co-parenting isn’t just about smooth routines; it’s about creating an optimal environment (healthy, stable, peaceful, loving, supportive) for your family in its new form. It’s also about the working relationship you model for your children. It’s an opportunity to show them how to cooperate with others, even in difficult circumstances.
The question is how to achieve that relationship when things are so tense. A positive co-parenting relationship can be hard to achieve on your own. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
What is co-parenting counseling?
Co-parenting counseling is a specialized area of family therapy. The goal is not reconciliation as a couple, but learning to be good partners in child-rearing. It’s designed to help separated or divorced parents manage parenting responsibilities peacefully and effectively. It provides a structured environment and a neutral setting for creating tailored parenting plans and addressing issues. Therapists who specialize in co-parenting understand and are experienced in addressing the challenges of divorce. They provide emotional support and teach key skills for becoming the best co-parents you can be.
Co-parenting counseling can help in 4 main areas:
Centering the Child. It’s easy to become consumed by the pain, chaos, and conflict of your divorce. A major goal of co-parenting counseling is to help parents stay focused on their child: to develop awareness and a deeper understanding of what the child is experiencing and prioritize their needs; to help the child cope with the stress of divorce, get through a very difficult transition, and adapt to big changes.
Communication. This is one of the biggest challenges for new co-parents. Your ex may be the last person in the world you want to talk to, yet clear, healthy communication is essential to co-parenting. A skilled co-parenting counselor can help you develop effective communication strategies. This has many facets, including how to discuss necessary child-related topics and solve problems without dredging up the past or rehashing old arguments. Staying calm, respectful, and businesslike. Learning how to exchange important information without intruding on each other’s personal lives.
Conflict resolution. Counseling aims to help ex-spouses learn to handle disputes in healthy ways, understand each other’s perspectives, develop more positive feelings and attitudes toward one another, and reduce conflict that harms children.
Confronting common challenges with effective tools. A co-parenting counselor also focuses on parenting skills and strategies. From establishing daily routines to making long-term decisions, responding to the child’s emotional needs to handling behavioral issues, balancing parenting responsibilities with living your new life as a single person, and much more.
The experienced and compassionate family attorneys at SFLG provide expert legal guidance for families going through divorce and starting their co-parenting journey.
By Debra Schoenberg
