While the overall divorce rate has been declining in recent decades (most data shows it currently hovers around 40%), the rate of so-called “gray divorce” – couples calling quits after 50 – rose dramatically between 1990 and 2010, doubling in just two decades.
In 1990, only 8% of all divorcing persons were 50 or older; today, nearly 40% of divorces are “silver splits.” There’s some evidence that Gray divorce has started to level off a bit in recent years, suggesting it might have been driven primarily by Baby Boomers. But among people aged 65 or older, the divorce rate has tripled since the 1990s – and that group is the only one where the divorce rate has continued to climb, according to data from Bowling Green State University.
Many factors can impact an older couple’s decision to call it quits. Among the most common:
- Empty nest. Sometimes, a couple has spent so many years so focused on raising a family together that their kids’ departure exposes real rifts in the relationship – they realize that without that shared goal, they have little in common anymore.
- Family/financial pressures. The stress and cost of caring for aging parents (in some cases, combined with putting kids through college) can strain a relationship.
- Growing apart. As they age and change over the decades, some partners find they’ve drifted apart.
- Wanting more out of life. Some spouses (particularly women, statistically) realize in their 50s and beyond that they’re ready for a new level of self-discovery and fulfillment – a new career, adventure, fresh goals.
- Independence. Financial security, particularly when each partner has their own income, can remove barriers to leaving an unhappy marriage.
- Reduced social stigma has also allowed people to feel freer to divorce.
- Different lifestyles, diverging needs, and desires for the future. Some long-term couples find that they have incompatible visions for how to spend their golden years. This can include what they want to do (activities, socializing, travel), how long they want to work/when to retire, where they want to live, their financial priorities, health considerations, and more. Particularly as life expectancy increases, people in their 50s and 60s can have decades to look forward to – and strong feelings about what to do with that time.
In a recent Dear Abby column, a reader calling himself “Still Young In North Carolina,” wrote about a painful dispute with his wife. She’s struggling with some health issues (which he does not feel she has managed proactively), and she now insists they should move to a senior complex offering independent and assisted living, as well as full care. The husband still feels youthful, vibrant, active, and vehemently does not want to go there. After 55 years of marriage, this “impasse” has led him to consider divorce.
“Still Young’s” question, while specific and personal, is indicative of the kind of thorny issues mature couples face as they consider how to make the most of the last third of their life. And it’s one version of a particular predicament that many aging couples confront, in one degree or another:
What happens when you have different wants and needs regarding your retirement-era living arrangements, lifestyle, and long-term care?
This isn’t a new issue, of course, but the topic may become increasingly relevant as gray divorce becomes more common and accepted – and, simultaneously, as life expectancy increases.
There’s good news and bad news.
According to Mayo Clinic data from 2024, “People around the globe are living longer — but not necessarily healthier — lives.”
According to WHO estimates used by the Mayo Clinic, in the U.S., between 2000 and 2019, life expectancy (lifespan) “increased from 79.2 to 80.7 years in women and from 74.1 to 76.3 years in men.”
Mayo Clinic research examined the “lifespan-healthspan gap” – meaning the years a person lives “healthy, active, disease-free” relative to their total life span. The gap is increasing globally – but nowhere more than in the United States.
Worldwide, in 2019, the lifespan-healthspan gap was 9.6 years, an increase of 13% since 2000. In the U.S., that gap as of 2024 is 12.4 years, up from 10.09 in 2000.
And, sadly, worldwide, there is a 25% gender disparity: the lifespan-healthspan gap for women, overall, is 2.4 years larger than for men, encompassing “neurological, musculoskeletal, urinary and genital tract disorders [that] contributed to extended years of poor health among women.”
In other words, as Dear Abby pointed out to Still Young, couples may “[age] at different rates” or experience aging very differently. This can be subtle or involve significant, disruptive differences in what you each need for your health and well-being. And of course, it’s not always women who experience the decline.
Abby was also right to advise Young to “discuss this with your CPA and your attorney before making any decisions.” It would also be wise to work through these issues with a marriage counselor.
Abby noted that the ideal solution in this case may be for the wife to move into the senior living complex while the husband continues to live independently, but that might also mean he would need to consider what he’s willing to do to make that arrangement workable, such as moving into a smaller apartment.
Moving together to a facility, staying married but living separately (with one spouse in long-term care), becoming your spouse’s long-term caregiver, or divorcing – can all have significant personal, relational, emotional, logistical, financial, and in some cases, legal impacts that mature couples must carefully consider.
Whatever your age or stage of life, if you’re considering divorce, the veteran family attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate your unique circumstances and help you reach a favorable outcome.
By Debra Schoenberg
