Several studies examining the effect of common mental health disorders, including depression, on marriage have found that couples in which at least one spouse struggles with mental illness are at significantly higher risk of divorce.
Samuel L. Pauker, M.D., a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, psycho-pharmacologist, and professor of Psychiatry, says mental distress is such an overlooked factor in marital discord that when a couple comes to him for counseling, he routinely screens for depression.
If you’ve ever faced clinical depression (also called major depression) you probably know that it is very individual—it can take many forms, symptoms vary widely, and significant episodes can last months or even years.
While often dismissed as sadness, a case of the blues, or just feeling down, clinical depression is a serious mental illness that can make it nearly impossible for an individual to even go through the motions of normal life. It impacts how a person feels and how they think and function. It affects cognition—the ability to focus, think, make decisions, and solve problems, making them feel hopeless, helpless, and “unable to see anything in a positive light,” says Pauker. It can disrupt everything from jobs, daily tasks, basic self-care, relationships, and parenting.
Depression can cause someone to withdraw into themself or private activities; they may seem to lose interest in people and things they used to enjoy and be unable to find pleasure or joy in anything (anhedonia).
It makes sense, then, that living with someone through their depression can also be extremely difficult, painful, and lonely. The depressed partner may seem emotionally distant and disconnected; anhedonia can also significantly decrease sexual intimacy. This can make both partners feel undesirable and leave the husband or wife of the depressed person feeling personally rejected.
The lethargy and lack of energy or motivation that often accompany depression may leave the other partner taking up the slack, feeling the burden of too much responsibility and caregiving. It can also contribute to financial strain for the family. At the same time, the depressed partner may feel guilt, low self-esteem, and a sense of failure.
Some people also live with a less severe but long-term lower-grade depression called Persistent Depressive Disorder. Even in the case of mild to moderate chronic depression, when the individual mostly continues functioning normally, it can be difficult for a partner to live with someone who is often irritable, impatient, sullen, hostile, angry, or critical.
In some cases, a person suffering from depression may act out with infidelity or substance abuse or struggle with addiction.
Depression can make it very difficult for the individual to communicate effectively. They may deny (or be unable to recognize) that the things they’re experiencing are all tied to depression, and therefore, their spouse may not even know what they’re going through.
It becomes easy for both partners to blame their misery on the marriage or their spouse, to feel that they’re just not in love anymore and the relationship is over. Although depression itself does not cause divorce, it can strain a marriage to the point it falls apart.
“While the bad news is that depression can destroy a relationship, the good news is that effective treatment for depression can heal a relationship,” says Pauker.
If your spouse is dealing with depression, encourage them to seek professional help. According to WebMD, “up to 90% of people with depression do improve with treatment.” Be patient. It may take several months to see results and could require a combination of medication and therapy.
It may also be essential to pursue couples’ therapy when depression has stressed your marriage.
Even if you have difficulty getting your depressed spouse to begin treatment, you can help yourself by starting counseling on your own. Make sure you’re making healthy choices, which include eating right, getting exercise and enough rest, and practicing self-care activities that help you stay in a positive frame of mind.
If you reach a point where you know the marriage cannot survive, and it’s time to move on, speak with one of the caring and experienced family attorneys at SFLG.
By Debra Schoenberg
