In this series, Family Law Specialist Debra Schoenberg answers your most pressing divorce- related questions
Of all the choices and plans you’ll need to make during your divorce, child custody decisions are typically the most agonizing—sensitive, personal, logistically complex, emotionally charged, anxiety-producing, and carrying significant long-term impact.
The legal language itself feels loaded. Deciding to end a marriage is hard enough—but talking about your relationship with your own children in words like “custody” versus “visitation” can feel truly traumatic.
The good/bad/complicated news is that, while your relationship as a married couple is ending, your relationship as parents—with one another and with your kids—will continue. There will be big changes, challenges, and tough adjustments for everyone, but unless there are unusual circumstances, you will go on raising your children together in some form. Whether your divorce is reasonably amicable and cooperative or full of conflict and hostility, you will have to find a way to co-parent.
California courts make all custody decisions based on one guiding principle: the child’s best interests. This involves evaluating many factors (e.g., stability, parenting ability, parental fitness, child’s age, relationship dynamics, child’s preferences) and is somewhat subjective.
Your parenting plan is an opportunity to have a hand in devising a truly customized co-parenting arrangement—one that works for you, your ex, and, most importantly, your children. It empowers you to find creative solutions to your family’s unique issues. It’s not easy, but everyone will benefit if you can set aside your differences and focus on making a plan together.
- What is a parenting plan? Is it different from a custody order?
In California, “custody and visitation order” and “parenting plan” are often used interchangeably. But a parenting plan includes much more than just custody orders.
A custody and visitation order legally establishes physical custody (with whom the child lives) and legal custody (who has the right to make major decisions about their upbringing). Either or both forms of custody can be shared between both parents or granted to one parent. In general, California courts favor some form of joint custody, considering meaningful time and a consistent relationship with both parents to be in the child’s best interests.
In addition to custody and visitation orders, your parenting plan outlines, in writing, precisely how you’ll share the rights and responsibilities of parenting. In other words, in addition to basic living arrangements and decision-making powers, it spells out the details of your co-parenting life, from major scheduling considerations to the daily grind and shared principles.
- What kind of terms and arrangements can we include in the parenting plan?
Your parenting plan can and should address a wide range of topics that are involved in parenting and your child’s life:
- How you’ll communicate with one another (in person, in writing, calls, apps, text, email)
- Daily routines (naps, bedtimes, meals, school, activities, homework)
- How/where/when exchanges or transitions between households happen
- Parent/child communication when with the other parent
- Transportation to and from school and extracurriculars
- Managing doctor and dentist appointments
- Discipline, rules, behavior, expectations (Screentime, social media, curfews, etc.)
- Guidelines for childcare, babysitters, playdates, and sleepovers with friends
- Visitation with grandparents and extended family
- Dating guidelines for parents
And much more.
You can also decide how detailed you want to be—how much you need to agree on and decide together, how much consistency you’ll maintain between households. Will you co-parent (interacting and communicating freely) or parallel parent (keeping distance, communicating as necessary in writing, each parenting your own way)?
There’s no universal perfect plan or one-size-fits-all option. You need a plan that’s right for your family in its new form.
- How can my ex and I work together on a parenting plan when we can barely get along?
It’s hard, but remember it’s about your child(ren). You both love them and want them to thrive. Can you find common ground in your shared values, goals, and dreams for your family, even now that you’re no longer a couple? What principles can you both commit to? Focus on your kids’ needs, physical and emotional: love, security, stability, active parental involvement, close relationships, connection to their friends, community, activities. Think about what makes them happy and fulfilled. Consider their ages and how their needs may change as they grow. Older children often benefit from having a say in these plans.
It’s also important to be realistic, honest, and open about your schedule and availability. Make a plan that is doable, that you can stick to, and that allows each parent to spend quality time with the child. Don’t weaponize parenting time (using it to punish your ex, demanding rights that don’t fit with your life, or trying to avoid support payments).
- Will a parenting plan I make with my ex hold up in court?
Remember that all terms of the parenting plan you create together must meet the court’s standard: the best interests of the child. Once your plan is drafted and signed by both parents, approved and signed by the judge, and then filed with the court, it becomes an enforceable court order and part of your final divorce decree.
- Can we change the plan later if we need to? What if we decide something together but later there’s conflict?
Build plans for changes into the plan. As your parenting plan meets real life, and as your children grow and their needs change, you will likely encounter things that need adjustment. Mutual flexibility and a willingness to work through little bumps in the road will benefit everyone. Your parenting plan should include official procedures for modification (temporary and permanent) and for dispute resolution, such as mediation before going to court.
When crafting your parenting plan, the guidance of an experienced family law attorney is essential to creating an agreement that is thorough, highly tailored, legal, and durable. Each parent should have their own attorney.
At SFLG, we’re experienced in every facet of California family law. Our knowledgeable, strategic, and compassionate attorneys can help you navigate the logistical and emotional challenges of negotiating a workable and satisfying parenting plan that centers on your children.
