Married life isn’t easy. No two humans are the same—romantic partners rarely align on everything or are always in sync. Weaving together a life with another person brings both joy and challenges.
Some marital conflicts are unique to the couple. Still, studies show that a few general topics consistently top the list of things spouses fight about: sex, division of household labor and responsibilities, communication, family dynamics (such as relationships with in-laws), career (priorities, goals, work/life balance), time management, parenting styles, trust issues, and money.
Recent studies reveal:
- 1 in 3 couples identify money as a source of conflict in their partnership, according to a February 2024 Ipsos poll; other surveys have found that nearly 75% of couples said they’d gotten angry at their partner over a financial decision
- Over half of U.S. marriages begin with debt
- 40% of couples in debt say that the debt has been hard on their marriage
- Only a third of couples say they share equally in financial decisions
Not only is money a hot-button issue, fights over money escalate quickly, are less likely to be resolved, and are a stronger predictor of divorce than fights over other tough subjects.
Financial disagreements tend to be emotional and may highlight differences between you— perhaps pointing to mismatched values or priorities. And, when you look deeper, financial fights may even contain elements of other big topics of contention. For example, conflicts over money can have connections to issues of trust, job/career expectations, family dynamics (perhaps differences in the ways your parents raised you to think about money), how labor is divided between you, power struggles, values/dreams/goals, and more.
Money stress can harm not only your relationship but also your well-being. According to an April 2024 feature in Time Magazine,
“A growing body of research documents the strong connection between financial anxiety and struggles with physical and mental health, particularly over the long term. Recent studies have linked money worries to anxiety and depression, pain and inflammation, heart disease, high blood pressure, headaches, insomnia, ulcers, back pain, arthritis, and asthma, among other ailments, as well as a higher risk of disability and early death.”
Financial woes can also contribute to insomnia, social withdrawal, and increased risk of substance abuse.
And, of course, many of these problems can, in turn, negatively impact your relationship.
But don’t despair! There ARE ways to turn down the heat on money matters and work together to solve your differences. Here are six expert tips to help you stop fighting with your spouse about money.
- Communicate early and often. According to the American Psychology Association (APA), many couples don’t discuss money before marriage. Be proactive. The sooner you talk about lifestyle choices, aligning values, and setting financial goals, the better. Listen, be respectful, and try to see your partner’s perspective, even when disagreeing. Avoid hyperbole and accusations like, “You always…” or “You never…” Show compassion—allow each other to admit feelings, insecurities, and mistakes without blame or shame.
- Acknowledge and embrace your differences. There’s truth to the adage, “opposites attract.” You and your spouse may approach money matters differently but try to get to the root of your differences. What forces and experiences have shaped your different ideas and visions? Be open to compromise—where can you meet in the middle on spending/saving issues? Discover and define common goals, and discuss how you can work toward them together. How can you share the financial decisions, tasks, and responsibilities? Fights often arise from one partner feeling like their point of view is not being heard or they have less say in the family’s financial decisions.
- Keep it on the up and up. Don’t let conflicts over money undermine trust. Be honest and transparent; don’t hide purchases, debts, or financial decisions just because you disagree.
- Find a financial planning system that works for you both. Many different methods and tools exist for planning, saving, and tracking expenses. For some people, following a detailed “budget” can feel overcomplicated, restrictive, and nitpicky—even the word “budget” can trigger feelings of scarcity or deprivation that make it hard to stick to. Instead, he advises the APA to “think in terms of developing a spending plan. Deciding together what goals you want to save for and what goods and services you want to spend your money on can make for a much more satisfying conversation.”
- Make a regular date for it. Put the kids to bed, order in, sit down, and get comfortable. It might be weekly or monthly, but set consistent times for financial discussions and stick to them—create a positive atmosphere around money talks and shared decisions.
- Talk to a professional. If your financial quarrels are intense, intractable, ongoing, and harmful to your relationship, seek counseling if you feel like you’re having the same argument repeatedly. A therapist can help you communicate better, break unhealthy habits and patterns, and move beyond the budget battles.
If you’ve decided it’s best to end your marriage, the caring and experienced family attorneys at SFLG are here to help you achieve the best possible outcome.
By Debra Schoenberg
