You’ve already lived apart for many months. Now the papers are signed, the assets divided, custody sorted — your divorce is final. It’s been a painful and exhausting time, but you’re eager to put it all behind you: the troubled marriage, the grueling divorce process, the person you once loved.
And yet—
You find yourself thinking about your ex. Too much, too often.
Maybe you’re second-guessing the split, wondering if you did everything possible to save the relationship, wishing things had been different. Maybe, even as the dust finally settles on practical matters, you find your emotions flaring — anger at how your ex hurt you; sadness, loss, guilt, regret; anxiety and insecurity about being single again. Or perhaps you find yourself dwelling on memories of good times and feelings, fixating on what was right before it went wrong. Maybe you’ve even gotten to the point of trying to start a new relationship but find your ability to form a deep connection inhibited by thoughts of your ex.
First, know that this is entirely understandable. Lingering feelings of many kinds are normal. But they can become problematic when they interfere with your ability to move forward, grow, thrive, and build a fulfilling new life. You may not yet have gotten the closure you need or have done the work of truly letting go and healing. In all the chaos of the divorce process, make sure you’ve allowed yourself the time and space to grieve and feel your feelings. It takes time.
When your thoughts continually return to your ex, you may be romanticizing—remembering only the good aspects and high points of your relationship or skewing reality in a rosy way. You may be contemplating—going in thought circles, replaying the past, trying to change outcomes by overthinking. Rumination is the mind’s way of trying to get a handle on things it can’t control or change.
If you’re struggling with persistent or intrusive thoughts of your ex, here are ten strategies for getting out of the rabbit hole:
- Seek professional help. If you haven’t already, this may be an essential time to talk with a therapist.
- Decide it’s over. Even when you’ve physically separated and legally divorced, it can be a big hurdle to get to the point of emotionally letting go. You were deeply attached, your lives entwined—continually thinking about your ex can be a way of hanging on. Ask yourself if your thoughts negatively impact your life, prevent you from moving forward, and make you unhappy. Remind yourself that you made this choice for important reasons and that you’re ready to move on from your marriage and beyond the thoughts and patterns holding you back.
- Change your address. If you’re still living in what was your shared home, and it’s financially feasible to move, changing your surroundings can help.
- Clear the clutter. Likewise, if you still have triggering reminders around—your ex’s clothes, personal effects, or mementos of happier times together—clear those things from your environment. Give useful items to charity and ditch the rest. If there are things you must save for your children, consider stowing them away until you’re less raw.
- Cool the contact. Make space for healing by limiting your interactions with your ex as much as possible. It may be time to change your contact information if they keep you on the emotional hook with unwanted calling, texting, and e-mailing. Of course, this issue is incredibly challenging if you have children together and must stay in contact, but do your best to limit your communication strictly to conversations that directly pertain to the kids and your co-parenting responsibilities. Choose methods of communication that are businesslike and less emotional (such as co-parenting apps).
- Set boundaries (and respect them). You can’t move on mentally and emotionally if you keep feeding yourself a steady diet of information about your former spouse. Stop wondering, worrying, asking, or otherwise trying to sleuth out what they’re up to, where they’re hanging out, and with whom—including if they’re dating someone new. Unfollow them on social media. Don’t use your friends as spies, and do not probe your kids for information. If you’re still in contact with your ex, agree not to discuss these personal details.
- Practice mindfulness. Notice what activities, environments, and interactions trigger thoughts of your ex. Likewise, pay attention to moments when you feel free of those intrusive thoughts— what helps distract and occupy you in positive ways?
- Shift the narrative. What are the stories you’re telling yourself? When your thoughts start spiraling—rehashing old fights, wistfully revisiting happy times with your ex, dwelling on moments you wish you could do over—intentionally stop yourself from playing out the scenario. Instead, take charge of the narrative. Review the facts of why you broke up and tell yourself a more empowering story, says psychologist and family therapist Lisa Marie Bobby of Growing Self. For example:
- Yes, I am still hurting, but I made this decision for the right reasons.
- I have the right to make good choices for myself.
- I honor myself and trust my gut and sense of what’s right.
- I am ready to move on because I deserve peace of mind, a fulfilling life, and a happy, loving relationship.
- Turn your attention. As Tony Robbins says, “energy flows where attention goes.” It will be harder to give time and mental space to obsessing over your ex if your mind, body, interest, creativity, excitement, and purpose are directed elsewhere. Create new routines for yourself, take up an enjoyable new hobby or pursuit, plan a trip somewhere you’ve longed to visit, get outside, exercise, make plans with friends, spend time on self-care, focus on personal growth, and get involved in a good cause.
- Lean on and expand your support system. Intentionally and actively surround yourself with trusted family and friends who love, support, and uplift you, diverting your attention constructively. And again, don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you’re struggling.
The veteran family attorneys at SFLG can help streamline your dissolution and reach the most favorable possible outcome so you can focus on healing and moving on with your new life.
By Debra Schoenberg
