You can use it to create a weekly meal plan with a corresponding grocery list. It can help you plan your vacation itinerary or hone your skincare routine. You can ask it to assist you in drafting an email to your boss or brainstorming ideas for a new home project. It can help you “brush up your Shakespeare” or algebra skills to help the kids with their homework…
But should you rely on AI for relationship advice? Can a bot help you solve marital conflict?
In a recent article titled “ChatGPT Is Blowing Up Marriages as Spouses Use AI to Attack Their Partners,” Futurism Magazine reported on a growing trend:
“As AI bots like ChatGPT become inextricably tangled with people’s private and public lives, it’s causing unpredictable new crises….One of these collision points is in romantic relationships, where an uncanny dynamic is unfolding across the world: one person in a couple becomes fixated on ChatGPT or another bot — for some combination of therapy, relationship advice, or spiritual wisdom — and ends up tearing the partnership down as the AI makes more and more radical interpersonal suggestions.”
Reporter Maggie Harrison Dupré interviewed over a dozen couples who placed significant blame on AI chatbots for the destruction of their marriages. Many of the couples she interviewed are now mired in complicated divorce proceedings and wrenching custody battles.
Dupré reviewed a wide array of documentation, from AI chat logs to court records; she listened to accounts of conversations and recordings of arguments, among other materials, to understand what went wrong for these couples.
Increasingly, people are using platforms like ChatGPT, Google Gemini, or Microsoft Copilot — all versions of generative AI or large language models (LLMs) — for purposes that are more and more personal, whether it’s emotional and mental health support, advice, dating, or even erotic roleplay.
A recent Match.com, “Singles in America,” survey demonstrates the ways AI has become a significant presence in intimate relationships and reveals something about the human qualities we ascribe to bots:
- 16% of respondents have “interacted with AI as a romantic companion” (33% Gen Z, 23% Millennials).
- 26% have used AI in dating (among Gen Z, it’s 49%); uses include profiles, first messages, filtering matches, etc.
- 26% said AI made dating easier
- 40% say that having an AI boyfriend/girlfriend would count as cheating.
In some ways, Dupré says, the AI breakup phenomenon is “a modern update to an age-old dynamic” – a third party “drives a wedge between partners in a previously secure relationship.” This could be an affair, getting involved with a friend who has ulterior motives, an untrustworthy social group, and so on.
Except in this case, the divisive outsider is a long-winded, high-tech, know-it-all, easily prompted to pontificate, and designed to be validating and sycophantic: to tell you exactly what you want to hear, and mirror back your own feelings in authoritative- (even therapeutic-) sounding language.
Faith Drew, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has written about the ways AI can be disruptive in relationships, explained to NPR that when AI bots are used for advice in intimate partnerships, it’s a form of triangulation.
Triangulation is a “coping strategy” in relationship conflict, when someone else is brought in to help relieve stress or tension. Under the right circumstances, she says, triangulation can be useful — perhaps confiding in a trusted friend, family member (or even an AI system) in a difficult moment — IF you’re asking the right questions.
Where it goes wrong and becomes potentially harmful is if one partner’s perspective is left out. This can easily be the case when interacting with bots.
If one frustrated spouse prompts AI with only their side of the story, the chatbot will tend to reflect back that perspective alone and expand on it. ChatGPT makes you feel heard; it doesn’t get emotional, it doesn’t push back or challenge your point of view; it offers quick, neat, tailored answers. That can feel very validating when you’re angry or hurt, when you and your spouse aren’t communicating well.
It can seem very clear and straightforward, but it’s one-sided.
“In contrast,” Drew says, “human interactions are messy.” Working through conflict, restoring healthy communication and closeness, is a process, not a programmed solution. It’s nuanced, it involves spontaneity, discomfort, and unpredictable, real-time responses. “This messiness is where intimacy lives….The very discomfort that makes human interactions challenging is what also makes them meaningful.” This is how we build empathy and resilience in relationships, she says.
Emma Bowman, author of the NPR piece, tried using ChatGPT to resolve disagreements with her boyfriend, particularly around the issue of “emotional labor” in their relationship dynamics. After some misfires, she found that by specifically prompting the system for “neutrality and accountability,” she could calibrate the bot’s responses and get feedback that was “simple and revelatory,” “creative and objective.” But it took a lot of practice and work to move out of AI’s flattery and blame game.
“In the end,” Bowman said, “I’d rather invest that time and energy — what ChatGPT might call my emotional labor — into my human relationships.”
The experienced and caring attorneys at Schoenberg Family Law Group build client relationships based on trust and open communication. If you’ve decided that it’s time to end your marriage, we provide the legal support you need to navigate the divorce process with confidence.
by Debra Schoenberg
