If you are living with an abusive spouse or domestic partner, you may feel very alone, afraid, and powerless. You may feel responsible or ashamed about what’s happening, concerned or convinced that your partner’s behavior is somehow your fault. You may be overwhelmed or even unsure whether what you’re experiencing is abuse.
Here are some basic facts you should know about domestic abuse:
You DO NOT deserve abuse—You have not brought this on yourself; it is not because you are weak or because you did something wrong. It is a common tactic of abusers to shift blame to their victims.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone—Victims (and abusers) can be of any gender, age, race, sexual orientation, economic class, education, or religion.
There are many forms of abuse—Physical and sexual, verbal, psychological and emotional, financial, technological/digital/online, stalking, or harassment. In abusive relationships, there is often more than one type of abuse happening.
Abuse is about power and control—Not all abuse involves physical harm. Manipulative, threatening, intimidating, coercive, or isolating behaviors can also be abuse—or warning signs of an abusive pattern.
Divorcing an Abusive Spouse
Divorce is difficult and painful, even under the most amicable, straightforward circumstances. Ending an abusive marriage is significantly more delicate, complicated, emotionally loaded, and high-stakes.
In California, a no-fault divorce state, family courts do not consider “grounds”—wrongdoing or the reason for your divorce. If you want to end your marriage, you can file for divorce due to irreconcilable differences.
While domestic violence or abuse is not a factor in your ability to obtain a divorce, the presence of abuse in the marriage can significantly impact the outcome of crucial divorce-related decisions, including child custody and spousal support.
Your safety, health, and well-being are top priorities. If you or your children are in danger, getting out is urgent. Threats or abuse can escalate when you try to extract yourself from the situation, so prepare a safe plan for leaving—gather documents (or copies), pack essential items, and know where you are going and who to contact for emergency assistance. Help is available through local organizations or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233.
Document the abuse. Evidence of abusive behavior will be critical to your case: police reports, medical records, photos of injuries, and statements from friends or family members who have witnessed abuse or observed the signs. Keep a journal detailing violent or abusive incidents, and preserve any written evidence such as threatening language sent over text or email.
File a restraining order. The period when you leave an abuser and take steps toward ending the marriage can be especially high risk. California law provides legal tools for your protection. Even before you file for divorce, as soon as abuse occurs, you can obtain a Domestic Violence Restraining Order (DVRO) form DV-505. A DVRO can prevent your abuser from coming near you or contacting you; it can remove them from the family home and grant you temporary child custody and support; it can also prohibit an abuser from possessing a firearm. Law enforcement can issue an emergency protective order if you are in immediate danger.
Impacts on your case:
• Child custody and visitation. The court must prioritize the child’s best interests in all custody-related decisions. Under normal circumstances, this means ensuring that the child has consistent contact and an ongoing relationship with both parents. However, as it is not in a child’s best interests to be put in harm’s way, a restraining order or history of domestic violence may result in the abuser losing custody or receiving restricted visitation. More specifically, if there is an allegation of domestic violence, the judge must carefully consider it and decide what arrangement is best for the child. But under California Family Code 3044, if there has been a finding of domestic violence, the other parent will typically be given sole legal and physical custody; the law requires the judge to review very specific criteria before granting custody to a parent who has a history of domestic abuse.
• Property division. Under California’s community property laws, all assets acquired during a marriage are considered to be equally owned by both spouses; in general, the court will divide assets 50/50 in divorce. However, in cases of domestic abuse, the court may factor in those impacts—for example, the economic results of financial abuse (such as an emptied bank account or bills piling up in the victim’s name), or the victim’s medical expenses due to physical violence—and adjust property division accordingly.
• Spousal Support. In a typical divorce, spousal support is designed to provide financial assistance for a lower-earning spouse by the higher-earning spouse over the short or long term; this helps the lower-earner maintain their standard of living after the split. However, under California law, a spouse with a felony domestic violence conviction will not be awarded spousal support in divorce. In cases of a misdemeanor domestic violence conviction, there is a rebuttable presumption against an abuser receiving spousal support, which means the spouse with the conviction can try to convince the court that they should receive support despite the conviction. On the flip side, domestic abuse—of various kinds—can impact the victim’s financial security or ability to work. Therefore, survivors of domestic abuse may be entitled to receive support from the abusive partner.
The skilled and compassionate family law experts at SFLG are experienced in handling the very complex and sensitive issues surrounding divorce and domestic abuse. We can help ensure that you are protected and supported as you rebuild your life.
By Debra Schoenberg
