You’re a newly divorced parent.
Maybe you had a relatively amicable divorce—you and your ex were able to collaborate and build a solid parenting agreement.
Or maybe your split was full of conflict, friction, and bitterness — custody issues were battled out, long and hard, in court.
In any case, once the judge has approved your custody and visitation order (parenting plan), it becomes a court order and must be followed.
By law, the court must always prioritize the child’s best interests. Except in rare cases (such as concerns about the child’s safety or parental fitness), “best interests” include preserving substantial, meaningful time with both parents and maintaining consistent contact to foster a continuing relationship.
It will take time for everyone to adjust to schedules, locations, and arrangements—to the new shape of your family. You no doubt already understand that this will be hard on your kids for a while. Every child is different and impacted by many factors, but experts estimate it takes about one to three years for kids to adapt to post-divorce life.
But in all the chaos of the divorce process and trying to make things easier on your children, here’s something you may not have thought about as much:
While there are various ways to split parenting time and responsibilities, if you have any form of shared custody, the reality is that you’re going to find yourself without your kids regularly—on your own for periods of time.
The house seems big and empty and too quiet. The days feel strange and unstructured. There’s no one to put to bed at night. You feel unmoored, lonely, and emotional. You miss them. These feelings are normal but very hard—especially at first. Like your kids, you need time to acclimate.
Here are five strategies for making the most of the time on your own—and even getting to like it eventually:
Remember, it’s important for your kids. You may still be angry at your ex, or you may not like them very much. But spending time with the other parent really is in your kids’ best interest. Research shows that, after divorce, children who have two actively involved parents and spend significant quality time with each typically experience better outcomes—cognitive, emotional, behavioral, and academic.
Embrace the “me time.” You’re still recovering from the divorce. Take advantage of your time off as a parent to relax, rejuvenate, and reconnect with YOU. Shift your perspective—instead of thinking of it as time without your children, think of it as vital time with and for yourself. Catch up on some much-needed rest. Focus on self-care, whatever that means to you. Get outside and spend healing time in nature; meditate, journal, read a good book, and find a form of exercise you truly enjoy. Try a new sport. Take up a hobby—an art or craft, gardening, or cooking; learn a musical instrument or pick up the one you left behind after high school. Set some personal goals—they can be exciting and ambitious or small and gentle. The important thing is to make your alone time something to look forward to, something that helps you feel good about yourself and the new structure of your life. You don’t have to feel guilty about needing a break or enjoying this time alone!
Tackle projects that are hard to do when the kids are with you. The divorce process was busy, messy, and overwhelming. Chances are you have a to-do list of tasks that will help you feel more settled. But it can be hard to paint the kitchen or organize your closet with the kids around, needing your attention and care. While they’re with your ex, conquer some projects that will give you a feeling of accomplishment and of getting life back in order.
Get into a routine. When you feel adrift, structure can help anchor you. Establish a rhythm for the days without kids that work well for you, one that feels both productive and restorative.
Don’t go it alone. Yes, you need to rest and recharge. But resist the urge to hole up too much. Make fun plans with family members and friends. Put a social event in your calendar, such as a weekly book club or tennis date. Seek out a support group for divorced parents or a co-parenting community. And, especially if you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to find professional help from a counselor or therapist.
The caring and experienced family attorneys at SFLG can help you design a unique and positive parenting plan, so you and your kids can have the smoothest possible adjustment and a truly fulfilling life after divorce.
By Debra Schoenberg
