You’ve met someone really special. Someone who seems like everything you’ve been hoping for in a romantic partner. They seem to feel the same about you. You’d be ready to take this relationship to the next level, except… this new person you’ve fallen for is separated—but the divorce isn’t final.
Some people have hard and fast personal rules about this and won’t start seeing someone still legally married. And for good reason. Dating someone during a divorce almost inevitably adds practical and emotional baggage to the relationship. It can be a challenging way to start.
On the other hand, sometimes real love comes along in circumstances that are less than ideal.
It’s not impossible to work through this and form a healthy, happy, lasting relationship. But it’s essential to be realistic, prepare for the challenges you may face, and recognize red flags.
Divorce is hard. It’s painful, complex, often slow, and laborious. It affects everything—emotions, daily routines, living arrangements, work, finances, friendships—all the more so if children are involved.
Many divorce experts advise that it can take about two years to be ready for a new relationship.
What you should know about dating someone who is separated
A person going through a divorce is vulnerable. They may feel lonely, lost, empty, and needy. It can be easy to get swept away—fall in love too fast or for the wrong reasons, start dating someone “on the rebound,” or to fill a void.
When a marriage ends, it takes time to process, heal, and become emotionally available again.
Also, recognize that getting involved too soon can complicate or negatively impact divorce proceedings. California is a no-fault divorce state, which means spouses don’t need to cite a cause or prove any wrongdoing—a judge will not consider “grounds.”
However, if a new relationship increases tension and hostility with the soon-to-be-ex, it can cause delays and turn healthy collaboration into lengthy, expensive, contentious litigation. Expenditures on a new partner can influence decisions about property division or spousal support. Especially when custody is at stake, scrutiny will be intense. And the more complicated the divorce gets, the more it may impact your ability to move forward and make a fresh start as a couple.
Watch out for these warning signs:
- The details are murky. Do you know how long your new interest has been physically separated from their spouse? Where are they in the process of dissolution? A recent separation can be very different than when they’re just finalizing the details. If they’ve had a long legal separation but never gone through with divorce, why? Be careful if your new partner is vague or evasive about their marriage status. Straightforward, transparent communication is vital.
- They’re still embroiled in serious conflict. If marital issues—emotional or practical—are still highly contentious, the person may not be ready to move on. From your standpoint, intense conflict between the exes can bring anger, strain, and resentment into the new relationship, so consider whether you want to be caught in the middle.
- Serious emotional, logistical, and financial entanglements remain. Married life is deeply intertwined. It takes time to extract oneself from old routines and habits, resolve long-established emotional ties and behavioral patterns, and sort out assets and financial responsibilities. And yet, any of these issues can also signal a level of attachment that could hinder a new relationship—sometimes delays are a way of hanging onto the past when we’re not ready to let go. (However, if the former couple has children, navigating custody and a new family unit will mean maintaining communication and involvement.)
- There’s no evidence of progress. Exercise caution if your separated boyfriend/girlfriend promises the divorce is happening or almost done, yet it never seems to materialize. Is it just a paperwork issue, or are they still hoping for reconciliation? Again, honesty and transparency are vital. Be fair to yourself; decide how long you will wait and under what conditions.
- You feel like a secret. Is your new partner reluctant to introduce you to family and friends or involve you in their social circle and activities? That can be a red flag. This one is more delicate when there are children involved. Many experts say it’s wise to wait to introduce children to a new romantic partner until the divorce is final and the relationship is entirely secure.
- They rely on you too much emotionally. You’re not the therapist. Yes, falling in love means supporting each other emotionally, but there should be balance. Establish boundaries. If you feel drained and overburdened by your partner’s emotional state and needs, they may lean on you too much. If the person resists therapy or counseling, they may have some essential healing, reflecting, and processing left to do.
The family law experts at SFLG help streamline even the most challenging divorce processes so you can get on with your new life.
By Debra Schoenberg
