Every troubled marriage has its own unique set of factors that make splitting up painful and complicated. But if you’re considering divorcing a spouse who is suffering from chronic illness, there are additional layers—from practical, logistical, legal, and financial concerns to thorny emotional matters.
There’s no question that chronic illness can take a heavy toll on an individual and a relationship. Becoming a caregiver to the spouse who has been your romantic partner, co-parent, and teammate in daily living is a loaded responsibility. It changes the dynamic of couplehood in ways that can be very difficult, even devastating.
If your marriage to a chronically ill partner feels strained to the breaking point, here are issues to consider and steps to take as you chart a path forward and make crucial decisions about your future, together or apart.
Communicate. It’s critical to begin an open, honest discussion of what you’re both thinking and feeling and the intricate realities of a split. Consider the happiness, fulfillment, and well-being of both partners. Remember that a person managing illness, disease, disability, or pain is going through a great deal already, physically and emotionally; they may have a diminished ability to cope with change and conflict. At the same time, as the partner of a sick person, you’re probably struggling too—feeling depleted, overwhelmed, burnt out; you may have unmet personal needs and feel alone. Both partners are likely dealing with loss, disillusionment, and fears about the future. These are delicate issues, as the sick person may already worry about burdening their spouse. It can be helpful to work with a therapist or marriage counselor specializing in chronic illness issues.
Explore your options. Only you can know if or when the marriage is over. But given the very complex logistics, emotions, and ethics of your situation (and the potential for guilt, regret, and other negative impacts), before you make huge consequential decisions, make sure you’ve explored all avenues of how you could help yourselves, each other, and the marriage. Are there adjustments that could be made to ease each person’s load, take the strain out of day-to-day affairs, and allow you to focus more on the relationship? For example, could you hire additional care or help, utilize adaptive/assistive technologies, or increase or improve your support network? Again, a specialized counselor can help you work through these issues.
Practical matters. Think about the essential needs of the person who is sick. What does their daily routine look like? Consider their appointments, medication schedule, meals, and just getting around. If you have been their primary caregiver, what kind of assistance or professional help might they require if you divorce?
Understand the legal, logistical, and financial implications of divorce. Chronic illness affects all major facets of the divorce process:
Property division and estate planning. Chronic illness often involves ongoing (and evolving) medical care — and that can come with a hefty price tag. Lapses in insurance coverage can lead to health crises and financial disasters. When divorcing someone with a chronic illness, it’s crucial to ensure continuity of treatment and insurance. You’ll need to consider long-term health care costs, assess what social services might be available, update wills, trusts, and disability benefits. Although California is a community property state, entitling each spouse to half the marital property, chronic illness can affect how those assets are divided. In addition to an attorney, you may benefit from other professional services such as a financial adviser and life care planner.
Spousal support. In making decisions about spousal support, the court will consider the standard of living you have maintained as a married couple, the severity of the sick spouse’s illness, their short and long-term needs, potential for improvement, how illness impacts their ability to earn a living, as well as consider the healthy partner’s ability to pay.
Custody and co-parenting plans. California law does not allow the court to use physical disability as the sole determining factor in custody decisions. Chronic illness does not make someone a bad parent, but it does raise practical concerns. The court can use numerous forms of assessment to determine how a health condition affects the sick parent’s ability to care for children and impacts the child’s best interests. The court prioritizes a consistent and meaningful relationship with both parents whenever possible. As a healthy spouse, however, getting divorced may result in you taking on more childcare responsibilities.
The family law specialists at SFLG are skilled in navigating even the most complex divorce cases. We understand the delicate issues surrounding chronic illness.
By Debra Schoenberg