Oh, the fur babies. They’re so much more than animals. They’re four-legged friends, beloved members of the family, faithful companions. Nowadays, it’s common to refer to pet parents rather than pet owners. Even the law is evolving to recognize that, for many families, pets feel more like persons than property, and that divorce settlements must account for this — treating post-split pet arrangements more like custody decisions than asset division. When a couple with pets divorces, the question of who gets Fifi or Fido can be a major source of conflict and strife.
But what about fights over pets within marriage? Does a pet help or harm your relationship?
Multiple studies have suggested that pet-owning couples are closer — a pet can bring calm, connection (emotional, and physical, such as walks together), stress-relief, and shared laughter. Conversely, however, in one poll, 60% of couples said a pet had caused conflict in their marriage. Another study found that couples argue over the dog an average of three times per week – that’s 2000 arguments over a lifetime.
The way a couple interacts with their pets — and with one another about the pets — can trigger or reveal other dynamics within the marriage.
According to a recent article by Tribeca Therapy, “If you’re fighting with your partner over your cats getting along or whether the dog can be in the bedroom during sex, is the conflict really about the pet(s)? Often it’s not,” says Director of Supervision and Training Kelly Scott. “Arguments over pets frequently symbolize deeper issues in the relationship.”
Here are six pet peeves that may point to more fundamental problems:
Territory troubles. Dogs and cats are known for marking their territory (sometimes where you wish they wouldn’t). But pets can also bring up boundary issues between partners. One common and highly divisive example is whether your pet should sleep in your bed with you. For some people, it’s an obvious yes — who doesn’t love a pet’s warm, fuzzy cuddles while falling asleep or wet-nosed kisses on waking? For others, co-sleeping with an animal is a hard pass — no floppy-eared fleabags on or in the bed. There are real relationship considerations here. Pets often like to nestle in between their “parents,” where it’s warm and cozy — is this affecting intimacy? Is one person using the pet’s presence to avoid cuddling or sex? Pets in the bedroom may also raise legitimate health concerns: Is your 100 lb Doodle taking up so much of the bed that it’s impacting sleep quality, leaving you unrested and irritable with each other? Is cat dander or dog fur aggravating one spouse’s allergies?
Priorities and Sacrifice. For newer couples, just marrying or moving in together, pet disputes may feel like a test of priorities or how much the relationship means. What happens if your pets don’t get along? What if your new partner is allergic to your beloved cat? Should the pet be rehomed? Should the new partner have to take allergy medication? Kelly says these arguments often boil down to “…what does it mean for you to love me? What does it mean for me to love you?”
Imbalance of labor. Pets are a joy — and also a lot of work. Tiffs over whose turn it is to walk or bathe the dog, change the kitty litter, or scoop the poop in the yard may be about just that — Are you on the same page about responsibility for the animal? Did one partner swear they’d do all the work if only you could get a pet? Have circumstances changed, such as a new baby?
On the other hand, these conflicts may underscore a broader dissatisfaction with who does what around the house. Are one or both partners feeling like the other isn’t pulling their weight in some area? If resentment is building around pet duties, consider whether it’s an isolated issue or something more systemic.
Emotions and attachment. Jokes like “I swear he loves that dog more than he loves me” or “If she had to choose between the cat and me, the cat would win” may seem harmless. But if one of you is genuinely feeling jealous or neglected because the other’s relationship with a furry companion receives more affection than the spouse, it’s important to investigate whether there’s a deeper disconnect.
Differences in lifestyle or value system. For one partner, the muddy paw prints, constant shedding, occasional “accident”, barking at the mail carrier, early morning yowling, and evening cases of the “zoomies” are all part of the chaotic fun of having an animal in the home. But for a partner who really covets order, cleanliness, calm, and quiet, it all might feel like too much. Value differences can show up in money quarrels too. Pets, especially as they age, aren’t cheap. From adoption fees to food, grooming, and routine veterinary visits, to unexpected medical bills and end-of-life care, partners may disagree over how far it should all go. Does your cat need the most expensive food? Should you spend your nest egg on surgery for an elderly dog? There’s no one right answer to questions like these; the question is whether you’re making them together, finding a middle ground you can both live with.
Decision making. Some of these conflicts may be rooted in fundamental questions like who’s calling the shots? If there’s ongoing tension over pets, you may need to address some basics, perhaps with a counselor: How do we make rules and decisions together as a couple? What are our common values? How do we prioritize our relationship, making sure both partners feel heard and respected, and find balanced solutions to disputes?
Experts advise: start with a calm conversation and real listening; try to understand not only your partner’s point of view on issues like pets in the bed, but also any deeper concerns it reflects. Respect their feelings and physical needs. Try to find common ground and reach a solution together. When possible, address potential pet disputes before getting a pet.
If pet issues – or other conflicts – have revealed a rift in your marriage that is beyond repair, the experienced and caring family law attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate all aspects of your dissolution.
By Debra Schoenberg
