When your marriage falls apart and the life you’ve built together comes crashing down, the sense of loss can be overwhelming. You’ve lost a partner, lover, friend, and teammate; your home, daily routine, intact family unit, and vision for the future are upended; your sense of security evaporates, even your sense of self as part of a couple. The effects ripple out into extended family and shared friendships. You feel torn apart.
Moreover, at the same time, you’re dealing with the complex logistics and legalities of untangling your combined lives—sorting out how you’ll move forward with the division of property and other financial issues such as spousal and child support, custody, and co-parenting arrangements, and more.
Sometimes, it may feel like you’ll never see the light again, never feel normal, never rebuild.
But humans are remarkably resilient. As the dust settles on your divorce process, it’s natural to begin thinking about a fresh start—meeting someone special, finding love, getting married again, and creating a new life together.
Recent research shows that remarriage has declined over the past three decades. Even so, about 40% of marriages in the U.S. are remarriages for at least one partner, and 20% are remarriages for both spouses. However, studies also indicate that remarriages can be challenging—second marriages fail at a rate of 60-67%, and nearly three-quarters of third marriages don’t make it.
While remarriage comes with certain built-in challenges, and you should approach it with healthy caution, you can take positive steps to ensure your readiness for this new commitment.
Eight Steps Before Remarriage
- Wrap up your divorce. In California, you are free to remarry once your divorce is finalized (the judge has signed your divorce decree). Be aware, however, that the divorce process will take at least six months due to a mandatory 6-month waiting period after divorce papers have been filed and served. Depending on the complexity and contentiousness of the big issues you have to sort through—asset division, support, and custody—the process may take considerably longer.
- Grieve and heal. When it comes to pain, loss, and trauma, the grieving process in divorce is not so different from the death of a spouse. You’ve been through a crisis, so give yourself the space and time you need to heal. Be aware of signs that you’re not quite ready to move on with a new marriage: Do you still feel hurt, angry at your former spouse, bitter about the split? Do you still regret the divorce and fantasize about getting back together with your ex? Do you feel you can’t be open and honest with your new love about these lingering emotions? Are you worried about whether you can trust again? These signs may indicate you need more time to fully let go and mend before beginning a new marriage. Make sure you’re in love with this new person and ready to weave your lives together—not just jumping in out of loneliness or outside pressures.
- Give it time. Although you’re eager to move on, be patient, don’t rush. There’s no official timeline for how long it takes to be ready for remarriage—it’s very individual and relies on many variables. However, experts advise that it typically takes at least a year or two to recover from a divorce.
- Deal with your issues. Part of being ready for remarriage is taking a deeply personal, honest, hard look at what happened the first time. You may have many reasons to blame your ex for your marriage’s failure, but being realistic about your part in the marital problems and sharing responsibility for the breakdown—taking steps to address those issues and grow—is key to the success of a future relationship.
- Make sure you know your new partner. In the loneliness of divorce and the eagerness to start over, it can be easy to be swept off your feet by a new romance. Spend time getting to know each other’s interests, habits, lifestyle, approach to parenting, dreams, values, and goals; make sure you’re compatible and aligned on the most critical matters. Communicate openly with your new partner about the obstacles you’ll face in remarriage and as a blended family; discuss how you’ll address them as a couple. Be proactive, patient, flexible, honest, and vulnerable together.
- Prioritize the kids. Your children will need ample time to process the divorce, heal, and adjust to the idea of remarriage, a stepparent, and perhaps step-siblings. They’ll need a lot of reassurance, love, and stability. Discuss step-parenting roles, expectations, and boundaries with your future spouse to get on the same page about supporting the kids through this transition.
- Work through logistics. From complex financial issues in remarriage to living arrangements that accommodate a blended family, there’s much to sort out and plan together. While it’s delicate to discuss and may seem unromantic, creating a prenuptial agreement can be helpful and wise.
- Seek legal advice. Specific provisions in the Marital Settlement Agreement from your (and/or your new partner’s) previous marriage may impact remarriage. Before tying the knot again, ensure you and your potential new spouse explore and understand the legal issues affecting this new partnership—particularly custody, child and spousal support, and inheritance considerations.
The veteran family attorneys at SFLG are experts in the issues that impact remarriage. We are here to help.
By Debra Schoenberg
