Realizing that your life as a couple – the deep connection, intimacy, romantic love, and commitment to one another – is over can come with a whirlwind of emotions. From heartbreak, rage, regret, and fear, to resignation or even relief. Maybe you’re exhausted from fighting or trying to keep a brave face as things fall apart. Maybe you feel like you’ve drifted so far apart that you’ve been living like roommates for ages. You feel you don’t have a real marriage anymore – at least not the kind you wanted and envisioned. Divorce seems like the inevitable next step.
But then there are the kids. Sometimes it seems like they’re the only thing you and your spouse still have in common. Nothing has changed in your love for them, your dedication to raising them, and being there for the big and small moments. Despite what’s gone wrong between you and your spouse, you’ve done a good job together as parents. It’s been hard, but you’ve managed to play on the same team for your children through personal differences and the pain of a crumbling relationship. You truly can’t stomach the idea of living apart from your kids for days or weeks at a time, let alone having to sort out custody and “visitation” arrangements. You can’t imagine upending their lives by leaving.
Then again, maybe you’ve known couples (perhaps even your own parents) who “stayed together for the kids,” and it was a disaster. Years of festering resentment, gritted teeth, ongoing conflict, and so much family misery that the children didn’t seem better off for it.
It feels like an impossible choice, the ultimate rock and hard place. You wonder – isn’t there some other solution?
Well, maybe. It’s called a “parenting marriage,” and a growing number of couples are trying it. It’s not easy- it’s complex and unconventional, and it’s not for everyone. But for some unhappily married parents, it’s a model for restoring peace and personal fulfillment while preserving stability and some important family dynamics for the kids.
The concept of a parenting marriage was originally founded in 2006 by Bay Area-based therapist and author Susan Pease Gadoua. She describes it as “helping couples shape a workable alternative to divorce” by “transition[ing]their marriage from a love-based union to one in which raising happy, healthy kids [is] the primary focus.”
On its surface, a parenting marriage may look like simply staying together for the kids — for example, the co-parents typically go on living in the same house. But it’s actually a major paradigm shift emotionally, logistically, and even culturally.
What is a parenting marriage?
Gadoua points out that every parenting marriage, like every marriage, is unique – but the big idea is this: the spouses agree that while their romantic life is over, they will remain legally married but shift the focus of their parenting relationship together. The purpose of their marriage is to raise the kids together in a stable, loving environment, maintaining a structure similar to the nuclear family.
From there, each couple can decide on unique, tailored terms and details of how they’ll lead their separate lives. They typically establish schedules, guidelines, and boundaries – especially pertaining to new significant others. They agree on how to divide finances, define space within the home (e.g., separate bedrooms), and how to share parenting responsibilities and decision-making in family matters. Good communication and clarity of expectations are key.
Gadoua is clear that not every couple can make this work. She says “ideal candidates” for parenting marriage:
- Genuinely like and respect one another.
- Get along well once they admit they are better friends than lovers.
- Have a history of parenting well together, with aligned values, goals, and styles.
It’s also important that the transition to a parenting marriage is a mutual decision, not something that one partner pushed the other into. Both spouses have to be on board, willing to cooperate, collaborate, communicate, and compromise.
For co-parents that are well-suited to the arrangement, Gadoua says, a parenting marriage can be “a compromise between staying and going, and people often feel they are getting the best of both.” It can provide numerous benefits to the family:
Stability and security for the kids. Consistent relationships, daily contact, one home, familiar routine.
Less upheaval than divorce (for both kids and parents). Divorce can be emotionally draining, logistically complex, and financially burdensome. Selling the family home, dividing assets, and sorting out custody can all be complicated and traumatic. Conflict often escalates, making practical decisions and day-to-day activities difficult and painful. Parenting marriage can offer a way to move on with your life while minimizing chaos.
Convenience and shared responsibility. After divorce, custody and visitation arrangements, co-parenting schedules, different households, transportation, deciding who goes to what events, and so on can be chaotic and stressful. Staying under one roof can help streamline schedules and routines.
Financial stability. Avoiding divorce can help prevent financial strain. Divorce itself is expensive, and maintaining two households after the split can be financially devastating. Staying under one roof allows co-parents to share expenses and resources.
A more peaceful home environment. Ideally, changing the nature and expectations of the marriage can diffuse conflict and help spouses find individual happiness. This is good for the kids too: studies show that it’s parental conflict—whether in marriage or during/after a split—that is most harmful to children. Gadoua emphasizes, “Please don’t create a parenting marriage if you’re going to stay together and continue fighting. You will do more damage to your kids.”
While the idea of a parenting marriage may feel uncomfortable – it certainly involves taking a very different view of marriage – Pease argues that what we view as traditional, normal, and acceptable actually evolves throughout history and differs between cultures. Increasingly, she says, people find the idea of two people living together and raising a family in an exclusive and faithful relationship forever outdated or unrealistic. Many modern couples look for ways to personalize their union. Society is becoming increasingly accepting of diverse relationships and family structures. In that sense, parenting marriage may not be so radical.
For couples who can get along, communicate effectively, and truly commit to being team players when it comes to their kids, parenting marriage may represent a path forward – a middle road, a less painful choice than simply staying or going.
If you’ve reached the difficult decision that it’s time to end your marriage, the experienced and dedicated family law attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate the next steps.
