The courtship was all sunset strolls, candlelit dinners, wine and roses, romance and dreams.
You found your soulmate and got engaged. You’re excitedly planning the big day and can’t wait for happily ever after.
And then it happens.
Your fiancé pops the other question: Will you sign a prenup?
You’re caught off guard. Hurt and offended. You start to wonder if your future spouse doesn’t trust you…or if you can trust them. Maybe, after all, they aren’t as committed and sure about this marriage as you are?
Or flip the script.
Perhaps you’re the one who just asked for a prenup, thinking it was no big deal—just a smart, practical, responsible thing to do. You’re taken aback that your fiancé has gotten so bent out of shape about it.
What now? Can you get past this as a couple?
How do you ask your fiancé for a prenup and what do you do if they don’t agree? Seven expert tips:
Introduce the topic with care. Although prenuptial agreements are becoming more popular, there’s no question that prenups are a sensitive area. Many people don’t understand them, and associate them only with the rich, famous… and famously divorced. Some people think they’re a bad omen. So first, if you haven’t already introduced the topic of a prenup but are thinking about it—pause. Consider how best to approach your beloved with this proposal. Think about what you’ll say, how you’ll say it, and how they might react. Think about timing, too—sooner is better than later. Don’t blindside your partner at the last minute—it will take time to sort out feelings and legalities. Don’t rush the decision; you should never sign a prenup under pressure or coercion.
Open the lines of communication. Whether you’re about to broach the subject for the first time, or you already find yourself in disagreement over the issue, good communication is key. Have a rational, respectful, open, honest, loving discussion. Listen to your partner’s concerns and make sure they feel heard. Then offer your perspective calmly, clearly, reassuringly.
Try to see the other person’s point of view. It’s important to talk about the why. Why does one of you want a prenup? Why does the other hesitate or resist? What are your underlying fears, emotions, attitudes, and beliefs? Are there concerns about trust, fairness, relationship dynamics, and future implications?
Clarify what prenup is. It’s important to emphasize that a good prenup protects you both. Think of it as an insurance policy—a safety net, a plan that streamlines the dissolution process IF something goes irreparably wrong, a roadmap that helps you avoid a bitter, drawn-out, expensive court battle. It’s easier to be fair and considerate now than if your marriage is in trouble. Within the marriage, a prenup is a helpful tool for preventing clashes over sensitive financial issues by clarifying them in advance. “It’s a legal contract between soon-to-be spouses that lays out how they’ll deal with money during a marriage and, if it happens, after a divorce,” says NPR. You should each have your own independent legal counsel to ensure fairness and balance.
Meet in the middle. When you disagree over a prenup, there are ways to compromise, such as limiting its scope or agreeing to review the terms after a certain period. Work together.
Seek wise counsel. If you’re having a difficult time seeing eye to eye on this issue, don’t let tension, resentment, or distrust build. Various professionals can help. An experienced family attorney can help explain the pros and cons and legal implications of signing a prenup and answer logistical questions. Further, couples therapy can help you have productive conversations, sort through the emotional issues accompanying the decision, and work through differences.
Focus on your shared purpose. Remember that you love each other and are working together to form a healthy partnership—a flourishing, long-lasting marriage. Not every couple wants or needs a prenup. But if you think it’s something you should explore, approach it as part of a much larger process of aligning goals, values, and expectations, committing to show each other respect, care, and fairness.
The veteran family attorneys at SFLG are experts in navigating prenuptial agreements. We can help.
By Debra Schoenberg
