In the wake of pandemic shutdowns that pushed jobs into the home, and new remote-working arrangements that changed expectations and the contours of the workday, adding pressure to be constantly available and on the clock, making many people feel like they were living at work more than working from home, a new viral social media trend emerged: quiet quitting.
Framed as a method of beating burnout while keeping your job, checking out without losing your paycheck, quiet quitting invited workers to do less — disengage emotionally from work, and perform only the essentials, the bare minimum required to stay in the position. As Investopedia explains it, quiet quitting means “putting in no more time, effort, or enthusiasm than absolutely necessary.”
Fast forward to this fall, when a wave of new reports identified a variation on the trend – quiet quitting in marriage.
Different writers, different spouses have different names for it. Silent separation. Going Zombie. Silent retreat. Cold zoning. Subconsciously uncoupling.
But they’re all referring to some version of the same thing: exiting a marriage emotionally without getting a legal divorce.
Distinct from spouses who make a mutual decision to separate but continue to share the same home, in quiet quitting, one unhappy, unfulfilled spouse resolves to keep going through the basic motions, doing the bare minimum to maintain the structure or facade of the marriage — but opts to zone out of it, typically without telling their partner they’re doing so.
Of course, there are infinite variations, unique to each quiet quitting partner and their reasons for choosing this path. Experts say major factors include:
- Big hurdles to divorce, such as finances and children.
- The process of divorce (logistical, financial, etc) feels overwhelming, too much to manage.
- Inconvenience (bad timing, i.e., we just bought a new house)
- “Drama” of splitting doesn’t feel worth it
- Avoidance – not wanting to face or work through major issues in the marriage.
- One partner may feel tired of trying to resolve issues to no avail and may feel that they alone have been shouldering the emotional labor of trying to work things out.
- Fear of singlehood – they’re no longer invested in, attracted to, in love with their partner, but don’t want to be alone either.
- External pressures – what parents, friends, etc. will think; how a formal split might disrupt those relationships
- Uncertainty about wanting to end the marriage; a way of testing separate lives.
- In some cases, silent separation is hardly a decision at all; the person just finds themself retreating, pulling away, unwilling to give more.
Monica Corcoran Harel, who wrote about quiet quitting for The Cut, say,s “One commonality did stand out starkly in my cishet cohort: age.”
Midlife divorce, as she points out, is nothing new, and gray divorce has been on the rise. But “What is sort of new,” says Harel, “is the normalization of settling for being utterly dissatisfied.” She places quiet quitting in the cultural context of so much else that, well, kind of stinks right now, makes us feel doomed and wonder “what’s the point?” — climate change, the economy, our marriage to devices, the robots taking over.
But Harel also says that, while for some, quiet quitting feels like a kind of resignation to ongoing misery, for others, staying “officially” in the relationship, but backing away emotionally, seems practical and even empowering.
“One woman who I’ll call Blair,” Harel writes, “believes ‘going zombie’ in her marriage a year ago changed her life for the better. ‘I lowered my overall expectations, which lowered my disappointment in my husband — and in myself,’ Blair told Harel. For her, redirecting her energy toward other things — friends, work, new hobbies — felt like a way of getting a fresh start without losing the stability of married life.
Still, quiet quitting, insofar as it’s one-sided, may leave the other partner out in the cold in several ways. In some cases, the couple is already so disconnected that one barely notices the shift in the other’s mindset. In other situations, however, the spouse notices the quiet quitter’s withdrawal but doesn’t understand. In other cases, quiet quitting is just a step toward an actual split – if the quiet quitter has never actually dealt openly with the issues that led them to it, the spouse may be genuinely blindsided.
Recognizing the signs of quiet quitting and steps to take if you think your partner has checked out
Silent separation in marriage mirrors the work version. It typically involves mental and emotional withdrawal, but also putting less effort into the mechanisms of partnership, such as spending quality time together, sharing feelings, being intimate, and engaging in things that help build your future together. Quiet quitters may begin to distance themselves by just stopping making plans for things to do together, or seeming unmotivated to do them; they may start avoiding sex, romance, and even meaningful conversation. They may find reasons to be away from home more often or cultivate a separate social life. Skirting deeper relationship issues may result in increased conflict over trivial things and growing resentment. Or the quiet quitter may shift from care to lack of interest, indifference about what’s going on in the other person’s life or their point of view, not even putting in the energy to argue anymore.
Now, it’s important to note that marriages go through phases. Forms of closeness can ebb and flow with various seasons of life, circumstances, outside pressures, and so on. A period of distance or disconnection doesn’t necessarily mean someone has decided to check out. And other conditions, such as depression, can look like pulling away. So acknowledge your own feelings (neglect, loneliness…) but try to take a wide view of the relationship and assess current circumstances before assuming that your partner is quietly quitting.
Then, if you really do suspect your spouse is retreating subtly into a separate life, it’s crucial to address it directly. As with most things in marriage, confronting quiet quitting begins with open, honest communication. Start with a frank, but calm conversation. Since the nature of quiet quitting is closing off or shutting down emotionally, vulnerable communication can be challenging, so a qualified couples counselor can help facilitate effective discussion, active listening, and unearthing the root problems in the relationship. Be ready to own your own part in the disconnect and deeper issues. Decide together if you’re willing to do the real work of trying to rebuild the marriage, or if it’s better to pursue actual separation.
If you’ve been silently separating — or your partner has — and you’ve decided divorce is the path forward, the experienced and compassionate family law attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate the next steps.
By Debra Schoenberg
