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Reframing “Failed Marriage” — Divorce doesn’t mean that your marriage was a failure… or that you are

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When you got married, you meant it to be forever. It wasn’t just a fairytale idea—you committed to it in good faith.

And when it became clear that, despite your best efforts, you couldn’t salvage the marriage, the thing you never wanted to contemplate became unavoidable: you took the tough step of moving toward divorce.

The dismantling of a marriage is painful, complicated, and life-altering. The grieving process that accompanies it can be long and hard. The range of emotions is often head-spinning, and they don’t wrap up neatly just because you sign the papers.

One of the most agonizing emotions people experience when splitting up is feelings of failure. The idea that you had a “failed marriage” can make you wonder if you are a “failure.”

Changing the narrative

How do you define success in marriage? Is marriage only a “success” if it lasts ’till death do us part—if the partners stay together no matter what and at all costs?

Mark D. White, Ph.D., chair of the Department of Philosophy at the College of Staten Island/CUNY, challenges the notion that a successful marriage is defined only by its “stability” or permanence. ” A marriage that lasts forever with one or both partners in abject misery….is not successful (though it is, by definition, “stable”), White says.

Conversely, the end of a marriage doesn’t mean that the marriage didn’t have value and importance.

Experts counsel that we can begin to reframe our feelings and perceptions of divorce as a failure by examining where they come from.

What contributes to feelings of failure?

Loss. Many people who have experienced both divorce and the death of a close loved one report that the grieving process was just as hard — if not harder — in the case of divorce. When a marriage ends, you’ve lost someone you loved (and perhaps still love) despite the irreconcilable differences driving you apart.

Disillusionment. Divorce almost inevitably involves a dashed dream. You imagined your life and marriage a certain way; you pictured and planned on forever—raising your family and growing old together. Realizing that vision won’t materialize can be extremely disheartening.

Identity issues. For many married people, couplehood is an essential part of their identity. Unsurprisingly, you feel lost and disoriented right now, unsure of who you are outside of your partnership.

The breakup of your family unit. As parents, you love your children immeasurably and want the very best of everything for them. Knowing that your family must change shape, figuring out what custody and co-parenting will look like is hard — and it can feel like you’ve let your children down.

Self-reflection. The reasons a relationship falls apart are rarely one-sided. Being honest with yourself, recognizing your part in the marriage breakdown, and owning some of the responsibility can be a rough road. Feeling guilt or regret as you process your divorce is not unusual.

External expectations. No matter what factors led to your decision to split, or how legitimate and powerful they were, societal pressures, religious beliefs, the attitudes and responses of your family and friends, the “perfect” lives and families we see on social media, even the language and terminology that surround divorce (such as “failed marriage”) can all weigh very heavily, causing feelings of embarrassment or shame about your divorce. Sometimes it feels like reminders that you “didn’t make it” are everywhere.

“While it’s important to learn valuable lessons from relationships that end, it’s important to allow yourself grace,” Brittany Jenkins, M.A., LMFT, tells Brides Magazine.

Considering your successes can help you reframe the end of your marriage and let go of the failure narrative:

Growth. It did not all work out the way you planned. But by loving someone, living in a marriage together — and through its ending — you learned and evolved. Undoubtedly, you know things now about relationships you didn’t know before. You know yourself better (even those things that were difficult to accept). You’ve had to do hard things — emotional and logistical — and you got through them. You are stronger than you know and better prepared for being in a relationship next time.

Crucial choices. You really tried to make your marriage work. When it became clear you couldn’t save it, you made the best and bravest decision you could.

Family. For parents, the decision to divorce is even more loaded and complex – yes, divorce is hard on kids and it’s crucial to prioritize their needs. But it’s also true that the very existence of your children means your marriage was not a failure! Learning to co-parent, and building your family in its new form, you have the chance to be an even more intentional and focused parent.

Honoring what was. Amid a messy divorce, it can be hard to remember whether there was anything positive about your partnership. But chances are there were wonderful times too and very good things that you built together.

A better life. Living in a disintegrating or toxic relationship takes a toll. This is an opportunity to rediscover yourself, reclaim your identity apart from the relationship, and reinvent yourself with the wisdom you have gained. Take time to heal, focus on self-care, and set new ambitions and goals that will help you build the life you truly want.

The family law experts at SFLG understand what you’re going through. We’re here to help you have the most smooth and successful divorce possible.

By Debra Schoenberg

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