This week, Hollywood/Broadway star Hugh Jackman and his wife of nearly three decades, actress/producer/philanthropist Deborra-Lee Furness, finalized their divorce. The couple, who have two grown children, separated almost two years ago, but Furness officially filed for divorce just last month. Their divorce decree was signed in New York about three weeks later.
When they first split in September 2023, shortly after their 27th anniversary, Jackman and Furness issued a joint statement:
“We have been blessed to share almost 3 decades together as husband and wife in a wonderful, loving marriage. Our journey now is shifting, and we have decided to separate to pursue our individual growth.” They emphasized that they parted with “gratitude, love, and kindness,” remained focused on family, and that this would be the “sole statement either of us will make.”
But when Furness filed for divorce on May 27th, she made an emotional and somewhat cryptic public statement about “the traumatic journey of betrayal” and the “profound wound” it leaves. Jackman quickly fired back that he was “blindsided” and “heartbroken” by her comments.
Their newly finalized divorce and conflicting statements have been making headlines all week, with fans speculating and taking sides. In January of this year, Jackman became publicly romantically linked to his former Music Man co-star, two-time Tony winner Sutton Foster, so many interpret Furness’s comments as an indication that Jackman had been having an affair. But the couple has (mostly) fought to keep the details of their split private, so there will likely never be conclusive answers.
It’s worth noting, though, that not all “betrayal” is about cheating.
What counts as betrayal in marriage? There’s no question that infidelity is devastating and can strain a marriage to the breaking point; it’s one of the most difficult things a couple can endure, and many do not survive it. But non-sexual forms of unfaithfulness or deceit can also erode trust in seriously damaging ways. Here are 6 of the big ones:
- An emotional affair. Friendships are important, but sometimes the closeness and intimacy of a technically platonic relationship outside marriage crosses a line. If you seem to share more (experiences, interests, deep conversations…) with a person other than your spouse, if you communicate better with them, confide in them more, develop a profound emotional attachment, prioritize their feelings and needs over your spouse’s — even if you’re not having sex — it can feel very threatening and alienating to your spouse, and undermine your bond. Sometimes it’s flirtatious behavior, or any interaction that causes you to be secretive about it, or that you’d be uncomfortable for your spouse to witness.
- Lying. Some people hide the truth to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or protect themselves from shame; others lie habitually, having developed a pattern. Dishonesty, whether about big, important matters or small, trivial things, undermines trust in a relationship. Lying can not only cause your partner to question everything you’ve ever told them, but also to second-guess and distrust themselves.
- Lack of presence. Sometimes, betrayal is simply not being there for your spouse, not connecting, not investing in the relationship; it can manifest as seeming distant, withdrawn, absent, shut down, preoccupied, distracted, uncommunicative, or cold. A strong marital bond relies on a true sense of partnership, of being “in it together” in the way you face the daily stuff and meet life’s big challenges. It’s about being there for one another, supporting, cheering on, and making sure your partner doesn’t feel alone.
- Financial infidelity. Not every married couple has a shared bank account; many spouses keep at least somewhat independent finances. And yet, money matters can be emotionally loaded. Your financial stability or instability can have a huge impact on your life, future, and relationship. So, healthy marriages need trust and transparency around finances. Hiding purchases, spending recklessly, keeping secret accounts or cash stashes, racking up huge debts your partner doesn’t know about, making significant financial decisions without their input or knowledge, or concealing a gambling addiction are a few examples of financial betrayal.
- Sexual rejection. Sexual activity level varies from couple to couple, and can fluctuate at different times within a healthy relationship. Sometimes spouses have somewhat mismatched libidos, and that’s something to work through. But, according to clinical psychologist/relationship researcher/author Dr. John Gottman, when a couple’s sex life declines or disappears due to negativity, contempt, disrespect, or withdrawal of interest in intimacy, it can leave you feeling hurt, rejected, alone, and betrayed.
- A lack of R-E-S-P-E-C-T. This can apply in private and/or public settings. When it comes to how you behave toward your spouse in family, social, work, or public environments, healthy partners have each other’s backs. They support, respect, stand by, and stand up for one another, building each other up. They don’t badmouth, criticize, or demean their partner in front of others, prioritize someone else’s opinion or needs above their spouse’s, or take someone else’s side. It’s not about thinking your partner is perfect, but being always on their team, their biggest fan and ally.
Between the two of you, behind closed doors, harsh criticism, belittling, put downs, dismissiveness, superiority, questioning your partner’s intelligence, shutting down communication, name-calling, and so forth break down closeness, trust, and teamwork, betraying the partnership, and in some cases, becoming emotionally abusive.
Spouses — even in a lengthy marriage — may have different views and feelings about what defines betrayal, different thresholds for trust. Only you can know when the sense of betrayal is too much and the relationship is unsustainable. As with all things in marriage, good communication is essential. If you’re struggling, seek professional support.
And if you’ve come to the difficult decision that it’s time to end your marriage, the experienced and caring family attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate the next steps.
By Debra Schoenberg
