From the moment screens enter a child’s life, parents are flooded with constant, high-stakes questions about access, limits, supervision, and safety—turning screen time into one of the most stressful and confusing parts of modern parenting. When should I get my child a smartphone? Should my kid be allowed to use social media? How can I tell if my child’s screentime is negatively affecting their social life, school performance, or mental health?
According to new research from Pew, 86% of parents say “making sure their child’s screen time is reasonable is a day-to-day priority;” 42% say it’s among their biggest priorities. About 55% feel they enforce their screen rules most of the time, but over 40% feel they could do a better job managing their child’s device use.
Weighing the pros and cons of device usage and hyperconnectivity is one of the big challenges of modern parenting. To list just a few examples of factors parents have to consider:
Pros:
- Ability to stay in close contact with your kid, and know where they are
- Kids use devices for connection and social life (i.e., online gaming with friends)
- Devices are now widely used in education and are necessary for school
Cons:
- Social concerns such as cyberbullying
- Mental health issues
- Lack of physical activity
- Sleep disruption
- Exposure to inappropriate content
But all these questions take on an extra layer of complication for divorced parents. In addition to all the general issues surrounding kids’ screen use, there are unique considerations when you’ve split up: for example, the child’s ability to stay in consistent contact with both parents (pro) vs. privacy concerns between households, such as potential for too much visibility into your co-parent’s world (con).
Especially when you’re in the midst of a divorce, or newly navigating co-parenting, when you seem to be in conflict over everything, these issues can become a lightning rod – another point of disagreement, a stand-in for a larger power struggle, even a method of manipulation.
It’s becoming a more common topic in family law: co-parents locking horns over the rules about screentime, smartphones, and social media.
Here are 6 tips from the experts for co-parents navigating disagreements over their child’s digital life.
Center the child. The court’s standard for all things related to child custody and parenting plans is the child’s best interests. Know your kid: consider their age, maturity, personality, social habits, daily routine, and activity level – as well as the fact that they’re going through a difficult transition right now. How can you create a sense of stability and security? What device and digital media rules will help support their well-being, right now and in general?
Talk about it. Communication (as always) is key. Start with a calm, open discussion that focuses on the why behind your beliefs. Be a good listener too – be open to hearing the reasons behind your co-parent’s screentime opinions. There may be some basic differences in parenting style and philosophy, as well as different logistical considerations. Strive to find a middle ground. Focus on establishing guidelines that reflect your shared values for your family and your child’s well-being, rather than hard-and-fast rules. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) advises parents to consider “the quality of interactions with digital media and not just the quantity, or amount of time.”
Do your homework. If you’re in conflict with your ex over digital principles, lean on experts. Learn about the pros, cons, and impacts of screentime, smartphones, and social media. Consult trusted resources like the AAP and American Psychological Association (APA) for guidance on creating a workable “media plan” for your family. Organizations like Common Sense Media also offer helpful tools. Come to the table with reasonable, practical suggestions, ready to find compromise.
Aim to agree. Children thrive on consistency. Wildly different media standards between households can not only be confusing but also create opportunities for kids to manipulate the rules or play co-parents off each other (“But dad lets me!”). Once you’ve established boundaries, be clear and consistent about them with the kids. At the same time, be realistic: in some cases, especially if you’re “parallel parenting,” it’s largely going to be “my house, my rules.”
Let your kids have a say. Many experts recommend involving children in setting guidelines for screen and digital media use. Encourage them to talk about how they use it and what they enjoy about it. Let them provide input on what they consider reasonable boundaries. Not only are kids more likely to follow rules they helped make, but this process can help them begin learning how to make responsible device and media decisions for themselves. (Remember that it’s crucial to shield your kids from parental conflict, so if screens are a hot button issue between co-parents, think carefully about how to involve the kids in decision-making).
Avoid the power struggle. Try not to use the issue as leverage against your co-parent. Also, resist the urge to use screen time as leverage with your kid, trying to gain their affection with lavish digital gifts or lax rules.
Model good screen habits. Remember that this is about helping your child stay safe and develop good, healthy habits. And a healthy relationship to devices isn’t just an issue for kids – many adults, including parents, struggle with the amount of time and attention they devote to screens. Consider this: recent research links device use to less attentive, less responsive parenting; increasingly, parents say they want to reduce “technoference” and be more present with their children. If you’re hooked on your phone, it’s harder to stick to boundaries you set for your child.
Get expert help. If disagreement over media and screens is creating serious conflict, speak with a counselor or therapist. In some cases, mediation may be appropriate. During your divorce, your attorney can help you put digital media guidelines in your parenting plan.
The experienced and caring California family law attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate all matters related to custody and co-parenting agreements.
By Debra Schoenberg
