You got married and never expected to get divorced. And most likely, when things fell apart, you divorced without ever dreaming you’d consider getting back together.
And yet, statistics show 10-15% of couples who divorce eventually reconcile—some studies estimate as high as 12-25%. About 6% remarry each other.
While that’s not a large number, it may be enough to give hope to a couple considering rekindling their relationship.
On the flip side, statistics also reveal that 30% of couples who marry each other a second time go through a second divorce.
So, given the daunting odds, what makes a divorced couple decide to give it another go? And what are the most important considerations if you’re thinking of remarrying your ex?
Why do divorced couples get back together?
Sometimes, when the dust settles on divorce and life starts moving on, ex-spouses discover that they miss the person they were married to. Maybe they realize that they truly still love each other. Perhaps a single life is more challenging and lonelier than they anticipated. Some people miss the close extended family ties that came with their marriage. Sometimes, exes wonder if they gave up too quickly and could have done something else to make it work or if they divorced for the wrong or insufficient reason. They may start to think that the split was a mistake. Or maybe they realize that they just married too young, that the time wasn’t right, but they really do belong together.
In other cases, time heals old wounds; people genuinely forgive and let go. Sometimes, learning, personal growth, hard work, and maturity resolve old issues and make it possible to try again. Sometimes, the trauma of a failed marriage becomes the catalyst for change.
So, you want to remarry your ex. Six tips for facing the challenges:
Take off the rose-colored glasses.
When you find yourself falling back in love with your ex and wanting to be together again, it’s easy to romanticize the past or future—to idealize what you had together or to assume everything will be better this time around. It’s essential to be realistic about what came before and what’s ahead.
Focus on the future, but deal honestly with your history.
You split for a reason—probably many reasons. Have you truly faced and worked through the things that drove you apart? Be willing to acknowledge your role in the breakdown. Have you dug deep together to identify the reasons beneath the reasons? Even problems like unfaithfulness and financial battles usually have deeper roots. Niro Feliciano, a psychotherapist and host of the podcast “All Things Life,” tells Today that couples have to honestly ask themselves, “Are they still issues, and if so, how would [we] handle them differently now?”
It’s important to make sure you’re not still holding onto pain or resentment from past trauma and conflict. At the same time, remember that, fundamentally, you’re marrying the same person you already divorced. No matter how much you’ve each grown and evolved, the things that bugged you will still bug you. And as in every long-term relationship, the feelings of being wildly in love will come and go. Are you prepared to ride out the inherent ups and downs?
You should also prepare for the likelihood that other people will have feelings and opinions about your relationship that can make it challenging.
Don’t rush. Even if you feel swept off your feet all over again, experts typically advise waiting a significant period—a year can be a good benchmark—before walking down the aisle again to enter this new, loving, committed relationship with your ex.
Get on the same page. What do you (both) want out of your renewed relationship? Be proactive about aligning hopes, expectations, values, goals, needs, and boundaries before marrying a second time. Cultivate trust, transparency, and open communication.
Leave the kids out of it until you’re sure. First, don’t remarry for the kids’ sake—revive your relationship because you love each other and truly want to be together as a couple. Second, don’t involve your children in your rekindled relationship until you’re confident it’s secure. Keep those boundaries clear so that you can take the time and space you need to be sure you’re getting back together for the right reasons, and it’s the real thing.
Seek counseling. A therapist can help you gain clarity and ensure that you’re truly getting to the bottom of issues (past and potential), preparing for the challenges you will face if you remarry your ex.
The family law experts at SFLG can help you work through any legal issues you face in marriage, divorce, or remarriage.
By Debra Schoenberg