From the wicked stepmother and cruel stepsisters in Cinderella to the Pollyanna portrayal of The Brady Bunch, to images we see on social media of exes who appear to be BFFs with each other’s new spouses (i.e., Katy Perry and Miranda Kerr)—cultural lore surrounds blended families. Some of it may be unhelpful or even downright hurtful.
The idea that blending a family should go smoothly, with everyone getting along great from the get-go, can create unrealistic expectations and make families who are struggling feel like they’re failing. On the other hand, ingrained archetypes like the evil stepmother or vindictive ex can make people feel like they’re fighting an uphill battle against preconceived notions (their own and others) and the inherent difficulties of their role.
When you’re trying to find your way as a step-family, stumbling along, not sure how you all fit together or how your family fits in with those around you, it can feel lonely. But here are some statistics to help you know you’re not alone:
- In the US, 40% of married couples with children are step-couples (at least one partner has children from a previous marriage), creating a blended family.
- Nationally, about 100 million are in a step-relationship of some kind.
- 16% of children have a stepparent.
- 1300 new blended families form every day.
Blended families can absolutely be happy and healthy, functional and fulfilling—but it isn’t easy, and it takes time. Unfortunately, many people navigating the process of integrating their families and transitioning into various step-kin roles, say they don’t feel like they have enough resources and support.
Here are 12 tips from the experts to help you thrive as a blended family.
Try not to rush into it. After a difficult life adjustment, including divorce or the loss of a spouse, it feels good to be happy and in love again, focused on the future. Naturally, you’re eager to begin sharing life as a couple and building a new family together. However, taking time to get to know each other’s kids and spending more time together gradually can help lay a solid foundation for the step relationship. Too many big changes at once can make children feel unsettled and insecure. Experts say blended families typically have better success when they wait a couple of years after divorce.
Manage your expectations. You can save yourself frustration and heartache by understanding and expecting that blending your families will be challenging and there will be many bumps in the road. Try to give each other—and yourself—some grace.
Communicate openly – and early. Blended families create complex relationship dynamics and bring together diverse points of view. Begin discussing and working through various logistics and expectations as soon as possible: finances, family values, parenting styles, how you envision your parenting roles with each other’s children, family schedules and routines, household responsibilities, and rules, sorting out living arrangements, and so on.
Make basic adjustments before you marry and merge. Smooth the transition and minimize discomfort, conflict, or resentment by adjusting rules and routines ahead of moving in. Build structure and consistency.
Don’t expect to fall in love instantly. You and your new partner may have fallen head over heels quickly, but that doesn’t mean it will happen the same way between stepparents and stepkids or among step-siblings. Allow time for love to grow and spend quality time getting to know each other. Listen and show interest. As a stepparent, you may be giving more than you’re getting back for a while. Offer, but don’t force affection.
Nurture common interests. Shared experiences and memories help bonds grow. Discover what you have in common, things you all enjoy and can do together. Make these a regular part of your plans.
Do real life together. As relationships proceed — you actually get married and move in together, share a home, and start parenting together — there will inevitably be times of stress and strain between stepparents and stepkids as everyone navigates new roles. But you can help smooth the transition to real life as a family by practicing before you’re married. Do normal things together (meals, errands), not just special fun ones (like going to Disneyland).
Create new rituals. Each part of the family will bring history and traditions that are meaningful to them. Preserving some of what is familiar can provide children with a sense of comfort and stability in unfamiliar circumstances while creating special new traditions that belong to your blended family can foster a sense of belonging and help form new bonds.
Practice (and model) healthy conflict resolution. There will be disagreements and tension sometimes. Establish good communication habits and help your children learn to manage conflict constructively—expressing feelings and opinions calmly, showing respect, and reaching a compromise (this includes the way you deal with the exes!). Give space; respect differences and each person’s uniqueness.
Focus on your family, but carve out time with your partner. For a while, a lot of your life will revolve around supporting your children’s adjustment and helping them feel secure—and it is important to prioritize them. But when things are stressful, it’s also important to remember what brought you together. Make time to reconnect and recharge as a couple and nurture your relationship.
Be patient. Research shows that it can take at least 2 years to adjust to blended family life and as much as 5 to settle in fully. Celebrate your progress and milestones as a family.
Seek professional help. This is hard. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a family counselor or therapist.
The veteran family attorneys at SFLG specialize exclusively in family law. We help divorcing couples make smooth transitions and marrying couples make smart preparations.
By Debra Schoenberg
