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The Danger Zone – Know the Warning Signs of a Marriage in Real Trouble

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The course of true love never did run smooth, as Shakespeare said.

No relationship is perfect. Every marriage has ups and downs, bumps in the road, sticky points, issues, and conflicts that rear their ugly heads from time to time. No matter how much you love and enjoy each other, there are built-in challenges when two humans decide to build a life together.

If you expect it to be easy and fun all the time, you’ll be blindsided and disheartened by the inevitable hard times.

On the other hand, it’s important to be able to recognize the difference between tough stuff to work through and real red flags; to know when certain aspects of your relationship have crossed a critical line and it might be time to consider going separate ways.

Every relationship is unique. Only you can be sure if it’s really over. Not every red flag means the marriage is doomed — but some issues warrant a closer look at whether you can (or should) try to save it.

Watch for these serious warning signs:

Abuse. Whether physical or emotional, abuse is a critical situation. Your well-being is a top priority. If you or your children are in danger, if there is any violence in your home, make a plan and get to safety. Abusive behavior has no place in a healthy relationship.

Infidelity. Cheating is a serious breach of trust and marital commitment. While it’s not a dealbreaker for every couple — with hard work, some marriages do heal and survive — infidelity is a strong indication of deeper issues. The pain of betrayal can make it very difficult to rebuild trust.

Lack of trust. Cheating isn’t the only thing that undermines trust between you –- and faith in the marriage. A healthy relationship requires a deep sense that you can be vulnerable, show yourself fully, be open, honest, and transparent, and have the confidence that you’ll be there for each other in meaningful ways. Broken promises, being unreliable, unavailable, dishonest, and unwilling to meet each other’s needs – can all be signs of a fundamental lack of trust.

Lack of respect. Trust and respect go hand in hand. In a healthy relationship, the partners honor each other’s emotions, ideas, opinions, boundaries, and values, showing kindness and consideration even when they disagree. They appreciate the other person’s point of view and individuality. They genuinely listen and validate. Avoiding put-downs and disparaging language, they build each other up. Constant criticism, nagging, nitpicking, belittling, ignoring, or shutting down are not respectful — they harm your bond.

The spark is gone. Intimacy, both physical and emotional, provides important closeness and connection. Desire and passion keep your relationship vibrant, but intimacy is also more than sex. If it’s lacking you may feel very alone and distant in your marriage.

You’re not a team. A married couple, in important ways, should function as a unit, a partnership. Supporting each other, having each other’s back, cheering each other on, and tackling daily life and bigger challenges together. Maintaining individuality and a certain amount of independence is healthy, but if you generally tend to think in terms of “I,” not “we,” your marriage may be missing this key component.

Communication breakdown. Little or poor communication can be devastating to a marriage. Communication is an artery that keeps the lifeblood flowing through the relationship — talking, connecting, revealing, sorting out problems, and keeping resentment from festering. If you feel like you can’t talk about little daily details, let alone big issues, or if you can’t speak your mind clearly or express your feelings openly, your marriage may be suffering.

You don’t share values and goals. It’s rare to be on the same page about absolutely everything. You’re two different human beings. But if it seems like you don’t have big things in common, you don’t want the same things out of life, don’t hold the same things sacred, your plans are irreconcilable — those are big hurdles to making it work.

Your heart’s not in it. Disagreements, arguments, and high emotions can be exhausting and hard to navigate, but (to a point) they can indicate that you’re still invested and still care. When one or both partners “check out” and retreat into indifference and detachment, the relationship may be in jeopardy. Loneliness and disconnection can make you feel that your marriage is empty and you’re no longer committed. You no longer dream of a future together.

Nothing seems to get resolved. You’re aware of problems and conflicts in your relationship and have truly been working on them -communicating, making an effort to connect, and working with a counselor — but the same old issues keep driving a wedge. You feel like you don’t have anything left to give.

If you’re feeling lost, confused, disillusioned, or overwhelmed with questions about whether your marriage is salvageable, seek professional counseling. And if you’ve made the difficult decision that it’s time to move on, the experienced and caring family lawyers at SFLG can help you navigate the divorce process.

by Debra Schoenberg

 

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