Maybe you’re going through a rough patch in your marriage. Maybe you’re already contemplating divorce. Perhaps, lately, you feel like you’re just going through the motions. You find yourself wondering: Is this all there is? Are these feelings normal? What is a “good marriage” anyway?
Marriage — merging lives with another human being “for better or for worse” — can be incredibly satisfying and rewarding. Having a partner, friend, lover, companion, parent for your children, someone to grow old with, and a person you want to give this level of devotion to is wonderful.
It can also be very challenging.
Even in a relatively stable and happy long-term relationship, chances are you won’t feel wildly in love at every moment; feelings can ebb and flow. Little things that rub you the wrong way can become big frustrations over time. Sometimes, when your spouse drives you nuts, you’ll look at them and wonder, what was I thinking? How could I ever have thought this would work? Who IS this person?
When it’s going well, marriage can seem easy and natural. You like each other, get along, enjoy being together, and you’re on the same page. You may not think much about WHY it’s working.
But when things aren’t going smoothly — you’re out of sync, irritating each other, bickering over everything, harboring resentment and hurt feelings over unresolved conflict, feeling lonely within the partnership — well, it can be very easy to identify all the things your spouse is doing wrong.
No matter how much you love each other, a good marriage doesn’t just happen. It needs tending and the entire investment of both partners; it requires attention and intention.
Not every troubled marriage can be saved. What’s a true deal breaker depends largely on the couple and the circumstances. (If you’re in an abusive, violent, or dangerous situation, get to safety immediately and seek professional help!) While there’s no infallible formula for a happy marriage, there are specific components that healthy relationships are built on.
Here are 11 key ingredients of a happy, healthy marriage:
Commitment. Given that there are different types of partnerships and marriages, commitment is clearly understanding your agreement, expectations, and promises and being dedicated and faithful to those and each other, even when it’s hard. It’s both of you putting in the effort and doing the tough work. Sometimes, it means sacrificing getting your way to do what’s best for the relationship. It’s taking the long view, being solid in your bond yet flexible to evolve together.
Communication. Good communication is crucial: talking openly, honestly, and often, not just about daily business but sharing thoughts, ideas, feelings, opinions, or a hearty laugh. Communication has to be a two-way street: talking and listening, trying to understand each other’s point of view, and not assuming you know what your partner is thinking.
Intimacy. When we say “intimacy,” we often refer to sex. Indeed, physical connection (including hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and sex) is vital; it helps bring you together and keep you in tune. But intimacy is broader, too. It’s about affection, care, feelings of closeness, deep emotional attachment, tenderness, devotion, and support. It’s about loving actively.
Trust. This is a big one. And it’s more than just knowing that your partner won’t lie to you or cheat on you. Trust is knowing you can be entirely yourself with your partner — open, honest, vulnerable, and revealed; you feel comfortable and safe to share the deepest and difficult things and know that your partner does too. It’s validation. We must have each other’s well-being at heart as we make decisions and build a life together.
Compatibility. You may not have every interest or hobby in common; having your passions and pursuits is good. Compatibility fundamentally aligns your most important values, goals, and beliefs. It’s a shared approach to life, the ability to function together in harmony (most of the time). Compatibility is a broad concept that can include many different factors: physical attraction, emotional connection, shared pastimes, sense of humor, mutual empathy, and so on.
Self-awareness. Recognize your own quirks, habits, biases, and predispositions. Understand that you will sometimes be in the wrong. Be willing to reflect on your behavior and responses and to evolve.
Conflict resolution. Yes, there is conflict in good relationships. You’re two unique individuals living in close contact, building and sharing a life. It’s how you manage the inevitable friction that matters most. Healthy conflict means dealing with the problem or disagreement without disparaging your partner’s character or intention, without hostility. Focus on solving the problem together as a team. Release the need to win.
Compassion. You won’t agree on everything. That’s normal. But it’s important to be able to really hear the other person’s point of view. Do your best to understand where they’re coming from — what influences, experiences, and wounds inform their opinions, emotions, and reactions? Let go of little things as much as possible. Apologize when you’ve hurt each other’s feelings or had a misunderstanding. Be willing to forgive and move on from past grievances.
Curiosity. There’s always more to learn about this other human being. Stay actively interested in your partner. Notice each other. Ask questions, initiate lively conversations, and interact with the world around you (culture, nature, friends) together – notice similarities and differences in how you each navigate things.
Enjoyment. Make time for each other. Cultivate ways to have fun together, relax, play, and laugh.
Respect. Having respect for your partner honors their individuality, personality, and boundaries; valuing the person, being grateful for who they are, different from you. It’s being thoughtful, kind, courteous, gentle, open; looking for ways to build each other up. It’s recognizing the other person’s need for space and giving it. It involves compromise and teamwork.
The family law experts at SFLG wish you a long and gratifying marriage. We’re here to support you with knowledge, experience, and compassion if you reach the difficult decision to part ways.
By Debra Schoenberg
