Whether you initiated a divorce or felt blindsided by your spouse’s sudden announcement that the marriage was over, chances are that this is a difficult, painful, overwhelming time.
“Emotional rollercoaster” may seem like too tame a term for what you’re going through. It may feel more like a rollercoaster combined with a scrambler, and also that one where you whirl around and around until the bottom drops out. In other words, it’s not just ups and downs— there’s a head-spinning variety of feelings, and sometimes it seems like you’re just circling back to the same places again and again.
It’s true. And it’s not easy—but it’s also not unusual.
Your experience—your journey through grief and into a new beginning—will be unique in some ways, based on many factors, from your personality to the specific circumstances of your marriage and divorce.
But it can be helpful to know that, while it will probably be chaotic and difficult and may feel intensely lonely, there are fairly predictable phases to processing the grief of the end of a marriage. Understanding them can help you prepare, feel less alone, and be more able to handle it all—to ride it out with a little more sanity.
The five emotional stages of divorce—both the “leaver” and “leavee” typically go through some version of this cycle:
Shock and denial. The spouse who is left may have difficulty believing that a divorce is really happening. After the initial blow of separation or being served with divorce papers, they may pretend or tell themselves that it will pass, the storm will blow over, and things will go back to normal. Denial is a coping mechanism that numbs us to shock and distress. Sometimes, it takes the form of refusal to discuss or deal with the facts; other times, it’s just magical thinking: my spouse will change their mind, come to their senses, and it’s not really over. But even the leaver, who made the first formal move toward divorce, has likely experienced shock too—in the realization that this is what must happen; they must end the marriage. They’ve often tried to deny it to themselves for a while before proceeding.
Anger. When the truth begins to set in—the marriage is ending, you’re going through an actual divorce—a flood of intense emotions comes with it, including pain, betrayal, injustice, deep sadness, guilt, regret, and anger. It all tends to funnel toward anger until that outweighs them for now. Your spouse may feel like an enemy. You’re looking for someone to blame—often, it’s the other person, sometimes yourself. The fury masks deep vulnerability and uncertainty. DO allow yourself to feel these feelings—but resist the urge to lash out. Don’t let your anger affect your children. Don’t make big decisions from a place of rage. Don’t let your anger derail cooperative and productive negotiations.
Bargaining. Before you get through the final steps of your split and the emotional processing, there will likely come a time when you want to try to salvage the relationship. You feel like you’d give anything if you could change the outcome, go back and fix things, figure out what went wrong, and try again. Research shows that a small percentage, about 10-15%, of divorcing couples reconcile. For most, the bargaining stage is a natural part of the letting go process, realizing that the marriage truly cannot be saved and it’s time to move forward with dissolution.
Depression. For many people, this next phase is a really low point, perhaps the most challenging stage of the divorce. Grief sets in—this is a normal part of significant loss. Your marriage is ending, and that brings so much with it. There’s the loss of your identity as a married person and being part of a couple. There’s a loss of your family structure and the loss that you feel on behalf of your children; perhaps a loss of some peripheral relationships, such as changes in friendships or with in-laws. This phase may be long and hard to get through. It’s a good time to actively seek the support of loved ones or a divorce support group. Although it’s normal to feel deep sadness, if you feel the unrelenting hopelessness and helplessness of clinical depression setting in, seek professional help as soon as possible.
Acceptance. In this “final” phase, although you may still have complicated feelings, you might also experience a sense of relief as you start to accept the new reality. You’re gaining clarity and the ability to move forward. From here, you begin to find yourself again, your strength and resilience. You start to focus on the future.
Know that this process is not straightforward and linear. Not everyone goes through every phase. You may experience overlapping and dovetailing of the stages; some may last longer than others; you may cycle back through them all more than once on your healing journey. Go slow, give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself. Prioritize self-care, whatever that means to you. Lean on trusted friends and family. Get the professional support you need, including a knowledgeable and experienced family attorney.
At SFLG, we specialize exclusively in family law. Our skilled and compassionate attorneys understand what you’re going through. We’re committed to easing your emotional burden by smoothing and streamlining the legal process of your dissolution. We can help you achieve the best possible outcomes in your case so you can get on with your life and be stronger on the other side.
By Debra Schoenberg
