If you’re in a struggling marriage, the holidays may feel more fraught than festive.
Nobody wants to spend the “most wonderful time of the year” worrying over whether it’s time to end their marriage or deal with the details of an impending divorce. Parents don’t want to spoil their kids’ joy by announcing a separation. For some, it feels necessary to keep up appearances for family and friends at this time of year. Still, others stick it out because they’re holding onto hope that the special family time, traditions, and happy memories associated with the holidays will bring them together again and mend the marital rift.
And yet — as family lawyers know — the start of a new year brings the beginning of the end for many marriages.
Some couples just delay the inevitable, putting off the paperwork until January. Others make a New Year’s resolution to call it quits and get a fresh start. Sometimes, the stress of the holiday season itself—financial pressures, family tensions, conflicting traditions, social expectations, general overload, and exhaustion—is the breaking point in an already fragile marriage.
The reasons are diverse, and each couple’s particulars are unique, but so many couples initiate divorce after the holidays that, in legal circles, January is commonly called “divorce month.”
However, a 2016 study from the University of Washington revealed that “divorce month” is a misnomer—or at least an oversimplification. January is the start of what might be called “divorce season.”
Analyzing 15 years of data, the researchers found that divorce filings typically rise by a whopping 33% in the first quarter of a new year. However, the study also showed that while divorce-related internet research and law firm inquiries increase in January, filings peak in March. (Evidence shows a similar trend after summer vacation, with divorce rates spiking in August).
In other words, the busy, emotionally loaded holiday season may underscore and intensify your marital problems or simply delay planned next steps. In any case, it takes time to make life-changing decisions, get prepared, and go through the many processes (personal, legal, logistical) involved in ending a marriage.
If you’re trudging through this holiday season with the prospect of divorce looming over your head, you are not alone. Whether a split is up in the air or already in motion, there are steps you can take right now to smooth the next season of your life.
It’s not over till it’s over. Things may be agitated and painful right now. Your marriage may have been rocky for a long time. You know you can’t go on like this — but you’re not sure you’re ready for divorce. Deep down, maybe you hope to save the partnership. Only you can know if the relationship is over. Remember that in this frantic season, it can be difficult to make a clear-headed decision when everything feels heightened.
Communication is crucial, so have an honest and open conversation with your spouse. Consider seeking therapy, individually and/or together, either now or in the New Year. While it’s generally wise to seek help as soon as you know there’s a serious problem, it’s understandable that the holidays make it more complicated, logistically and emotionally.
On the other hand, if it’s past that point — if you’ve tried unsuccessfully to save the marriage and feel certain you’re ready to move forward with a divorce in the New Year, here are five ways you can begin preparing now:
Collect important documents. Begin this process as soon as you decide to pursue a divorce. Unfortunately, a hurt and angry spouse can make gathering and preparing your paperwork difficult. Make copies of everything and store them in a safe place. You will need all your official documents: birth and marriage certificates, social security cards, passports, property deeds, and other real estate papers, vehicle titles/loans, tax returns (state and federal), pay stubs/proof of income, investment records, insurance documents, estate planning papers (wills, financial and medical powers of attorney, medical directives), and records from any other court proceedings.
Know what you own and owe. It’s not uncommon for one spouse to be less involved than the other in managing the couple’s money matters. Don’t feel bad if that’s the case, but know it will take time and effort to prepare yourself financially. Take a thorough inventory. List all your assets, tangible and intangible: home(s), properties, vehicles, savings accounts, investments, emergency funds, businesses, retirement plans/pensions, household furniture and appliances, jewelry and luxury items, valuable collectibles such as art or antiques. List all your debts, too: credit card balances, mortgages, car loans, and so on. Carefully examine your tax returns.
Be realistic about your financial future. Divorce itself is expensive, and it costs more to be single and maintain separate households. Create a thorough and realistic budget that includes housing, food, clothing, utilities, cell/internet service, transportation, insurance, health care, child care, educational expenses, extracurricular activities, entertainment, personal expenses, pet food, vet visits, and so on.
When you feel guilty about an impending separation and are worried this might be your kids’ last “normal” holiday, it’s tempting to go overboard on gifts. Be honest with yourself about your financial position. You should curb your spending right now. Give your children quality time, providing love, stability, normalcy, and happy memories. Do your best to give them a peaceful, joyful holiday with minimal exposure to parental conflict.
Take good care of yourself—physically, mentally, emotionally. Don’t get too run down and drained in this hectic time. Eat healthy food, get exercise, prioritize sleep, and go easy on alcohol. Find ways to relax, restore, and refresh your spirit, whatever that means to you. Spend time in nature, meditate, pray, journal, work on your hobby, do yoga, soak in a hot tub, and read a good book. Surround yourself with supportive family and friends. Enjoy your children.
Begin building your team. Don’t go it alone. You can benefit from various kinds of professional support at this time. If you’re struggling emotionally, seek therapy or counseling. Hire a financial adviser to help you understand the complex implications of divorce. Find an experienced family lawyer, someone you can talk to openly and comfortably who makes you feel heard, cared for, confident, well-informed, and prepared.
If you find yourself facing these difficult decisions this holiday season, the compassionate family law attorneys at SFLG are here to provide guidance and support as you navigate the path to divorce.
By Debra Schoenberg
