The ring is still on your finger. You’re sharing a home and maybe even a bed—but something’s changed between you two. It may be hard to pinpoint, but there’s a distance, a detachment. You might not be exactly cold toward each other, but you’re not warm either. You don’t feel in love or deeply connected to your spouse—you’re not talking much, at least not about anything profound or personal; your sex life is suffering, or you just never kiss goodnight anymore. It seems like you’re going through the motions, focused on things other than your relationship, each in your own world, or tied to each other mostly through the kids. Your heart’s not in it.
Maybe it’s scary to feel this way, sad, lonely, or just strange and disorienting. Or perhaps, now that you’ve admitted it to yourself, you feel relief, freedom, a sense of possibility, or even growth.
Maybe, as a couple, you’ve broached the subject of splitting up—or you’ve just quietly drifted apart.
These are symptoms of an emotional divorce.
“An emotional divorce is just as it sounds,” licensed marriage and family therapist Virginia Williamson told Brides Magazine. You’re “emotionally exiting the marriage. During an emotional divorce, a spouse divests from trying to work on or repair the marriage and typically moves through the stages of grief to let the marriage and their partner go.”
Typically, a person’s internal process of emotional divorce happens because the marriage is already unhealthy and crumbling. “The spouses, or one of them, begins the emotional divorce to ease the pain and to help their well-being,” explains Marriage.com.
Even so, sometimes it seems more one-sided—one partner does most of the pulling away, leaving the other somewhat mystified and miserable. The “walk-away spouse” (the leaver) has gone through the emotional separation long before the actual separation, while the “left-behind” partner may find themselves still processing their version of this emotional disentangling after the papers are signed.
Although emotional divorce is often the precursor to actual divorce (whether long beforehand or as it’s happening), some couples remain in this state almost indefinitely—still legally married but psychologically parted.
When the Feeling’s Gone, and You Just Can’t Get it Back—5 common signs you’re experiencing an emotional divorce:
You’re not communicating. Your conversations are limited to daily details like household tasks, finances, the kids’ schedules, and what’s for dinner. You no longer share about the big vulnerable things—your feelings, ideas, deep thoughts, values, goals, and dreams. You don’t talk for fun to make each other laugh or just to show your love and interest in your partner.
You’ve become disconnected. You don’t feel bonded to your husband or wife anymore. You’re missing that vital sense of closeness, trust, and emotional availability. You’re withdrawn mentally and spiritually as well. You’re not meeting each other’s needs; one or both partners feel neglected. Maybe you’re experiencing disillusionment, questioning the whole relationship—do you even want to be sharing your life with this person? Do you really know them anymore? You may start to feel “checked out” of the marriage, uncommitted.
Your physical intimacy has fizzled. Maybe your sex life isn’t what it used to be, but it’s not just that—you’ve stopped engaging in various forms of touch and contact that help a couple feel warmth, closeness, and connection as a couple. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, a pat or shoulder squeeze, a flirtatious glance, and eye contact to show attention and care. Attraction is diminished.
You’re leading separate lives. It seems like you don’t have much in common anymore. You have different friends, pursue individual interests and activities, and lose yourself in work. Moreover, there’s been a noticeable shift in priorities—you’re choosing those outside things above the things that would actively nurture and support your marriage. You’re living like roommates instead of spouses.
You’re fighting more—and leaving things unresolved. Maybe disagreements and discord between you have escalated lately, becoming truly toxic. Or perhaps you’ve just been feeling misunderstood and underappreciated for a long time; it’s grown into a festering resentment. Maybe you feel emotionally exhausted. “Emotional divorces often involve heightened levels of conflict, where couples are unable to resolve them or give up after multiple failed attempts,” says psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D. This breeds avoidance and hostility and exacerbates the distance between you.
While it’s true that emotional divorce is often a step toward the real, legal end of a marriage—or an indicator that that’s where you’re headed—these feelings and conditions don’t always spell imminent and inevitable relationship disaster. Knowing when your marriage is truly over is a deeply personal and individual decision.
If you’re feeling distant and detached from your partner but want to try to bridge the gap, heal the wounds, and save the marriage, it’s crucial to begin communicating first of all—and wise to seek the help of a qualified marital counselor.
And if you’ve realized that it’s time to step away, the skilled and caring family attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate the smoothest dissolution possible.
By Debra Schoenberg
