Summer break is almost over, and it’s time to send the kids back to school.
If you’ve been going through a divorce this summer—juggling kids, jobs, all the tasks and complications of the dissolution process, and your new co-parenting responsibilities—these months may have seemed long, complex, stressful, and suffocating.
You may be looking forward to the start of the school year, hoping it will give your child more structure and a much-needed sense of normalcy with familiar schedules, classrooms, friends, and teachers. Or perhaps you’re worried about how your kids will cope with returning to the school setting after all the changes and upheaval in your family.
You may also feel concerned about your role—how can you, as a newly divorced parent, best support your child as they go back to school for the first time after your split?
Although divorced families face specific challenges about school—from managing schedules to attending events to coping with emotions—it’s crucial to stay engaged in your child’s education.
As EdWeek reports, research consistently shows that parental involvement in a child’s schooling yields “higher academic achievement, school engagement, and motivation.”
In recent years, some schools have recognized that their systems are built for (and inherently biased toward) families where the two parents live together, and are making changes to be more accommodating and supportive: asking at the beginning of the school year for pertinent family information, offering separate parent-teacher conferences if necessary, implementing electronic communications that easily keep both parents informed, and so on. However, it still largely falls to co-parenting partners to ensure they stay actively and equally involved.
Getting back into the school rhythm after divorce is challenging for kids or their grown-ups. Here are six “C” strategies for A+ co-parenting during a very tough adjustment:
Center your child. Divorce is hard on everyone. You and your child have been through a lot of turmoil. Even if you, as an adult and co-parenting partner, feel like you’ve barely got your footing—school is an area where it’s important to focus entirely on the child and present a united front as co-parenting partners.
Commit to setting aside the personal difficulties and differences with your ex and working together toward a common goal as best you can. Actively assure your child that they have both parents’ love and complete support as they go back to school.
Communicate. It’s tough when you’re still raw and reeling from your split, but healthy, open communication is key to all aspects of co-parenting—school matters are no exception. Regularly, transparently, and proactively share information about school, activities, and planning. The methods of communication you choose are up to you. If talking in person or on the phone is too tense, you have many tools, including co-parenting apps designed to help.
And communication isn’t just about keeping the lines open with your ex-spouse. Also, be sure to talk with your child to address their feelings and fears about returning to school after divorce.
Speak with your child’s teacher beforehand to explain your family’s situation, the child’s living arrangements, and so forth. It’s not unusual for kids coping with divorce to have some issues in school—behavioral, emotional, academic, or social. Providing a heads-up for the teacher can help. Also, ensure that the district, school, and your child’s teacher have both parents’ contact information so that you receive class updates, newsletters, information about special events, and important meetings.
Collaborate. Easing your child’s back-to-school transition means getting organized and making logistical choices that smooth their way: prepare a dedicated and well-supplied homework station at each parent’s house, decide who will manage school paperwork such as forms and permission slips, and plan how you’ll share costs and tasks such as purchasing school supplies.
Coordinate. A shared calendar is essential. It should include:
- All dates and schedules outlined in your parenting plan
- School day schedule, including drop-offs and pick-ups
- After-school care and extracurricular activities
- Homework and project deadlines; dates of quizzes, tests, and exams
- Vacations, holidays, miscellaneous school breaks
- Rehearsal and practice schedules
- School-related special events: games, concerts, plays, dances, field trips, homecoming, spirit/dress-up days
- Parent-Teacher conferences
- School pictures
- Turn-in dates for permission slips, uniform fees, etc.
Consistency matters. Children feel stable and thrive when they have structure and consistency, and know what to expect. Demonstrate that you’re still a parenting team by establishing a basic set of rules and routines, and sticking to them in both households. There will be variations and bumps in the road, but this blueprint can help prevent things from feeling chaotic.
Come together for the kids. Being in the same room with your ex in social situations can be very uncomfortable. But things like the kindergarten holiday concert, sixth-grade spelling bee, high school sports, and parent-teacher conferences are important opportunities to show your child that you’re unified in supporting and celebrating them in their education and activities. Do your best to attend together.
The experienced and caring family attorneys at SFLG understand the complexities of co-parenting—we know that back-to-school time can be stressful. We can help you develop an effective parenting plan during your dissolution.
sBy Debra Schoenberg
