From 1934 to 1968, Hollywood policed its own content with the Motion Picture Production Code—commonly called the Hays Code—a set of guidelines governing “good taste and community value.” The code set very specific and restrictive standards of morality and propriety regarding what could and could not be depicted in film and television. Producers could run afoul of the rules by showing even TV spouses in bed together.
For decades, society has mostly chuckled at those rather antiseptic mid-century portrayals of happy couples in separate beds, but today, the practice is seeing a surge among real-life married people. There’s even a buzzy new name for it: sleep divorce.
What is a sleep divorce?
A sleep divorce is not an actual divorce. A couple—still together—is said to have gotten a sleep divorce when they choose to sleep apart for various reasons. They may opt for separate beds in the same room, separate rooms, or sleeping on different schedules.
Why do partners who are still in love choose to sleep apart?
Snoring, restless legs, general tossing and turning; bed hogs and blanket thieves; sleep apnea and CPAP machines; one who likes it warm vs. one who likes it cool, or soft vs. hard mattress preferences; disruptive in-bed habits such as a partner who likes to leave the light on to read, or keep the tv playing, or stay up scrolling on their phone… There are many reasons people find that their quality of sleep improves when they’re in bed alone and can control their nighttime environment to prioritize and protect personal rest needs.
Just how trendy is the separate bed trend? Well, it’s a bit hard to pin down exactly how many couples are choosing a sleep divorce.
In a 2024 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM), around a third of U.S. couples reported sleeping in different spaces occasionally or consistently. However, research also reveals some generational differences: while only about 22% of Baby Boomers say they sleep apart from their partner, 33% of Gen-X couples do; millennials seem most likely to “choose solo slumber” at 43%, according to a recent Fortune Magazine report, compared to only 28% of Gen-Zs.
Other studies, such as the Global Sleep Survey by Resmed, a sleep technology company, found that around half of American couples intentionally spend at least some nights sleeping apart. It’s also becoming more common for social media influencers and celebrity couples to admit that they prefer to sleep on their own, even within a loving relationship. This is helping to open the conversation and reduce stigma.
Does a sleep divorce help or hurt your marriage?
“There’s little doubt that we’re in the midst of a global sleep-deficit crisis, according to experts, studies, and, most recently, the results of a large new survey,” Fortune reported. Chronic sleep deprivation or poor-quality rest has widespread impacts on work and productivity, physical and mental health, and relationships.
Many couples who choose a sleep divorce say that sleeping apart not only improves their sleep but their mood and general health. Feeling better—resting well and waking fresh—can help make you a better partner, reducing frustration, irritability, and conflict. Proponents often say that sleep divorce is the best thing for their marriage, and their sex life is simply separate from their sleep.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, some couples find that sleep divorce actually improves intimacy. “Your relationship is more intentional. When you aren’t sharing a bed, pillow talk, snuggling, and sex become an affirmative choice you and your partner make together. You also get to have a bit more control over how your significant other sees you. You get to say “no” to morning breath, bed head, and drooling — and “yes” to flirtation, anticipation, and excitement.”
However, if you’re thinking a sleep divorce may be right for you and your partner, it’s also important to consider potential downsides. The Resmed survey found that while 65% of separate sleepers reported better rest, 30% also thought that their relationship was worse for it.
With a sleep divorce, you may run the risk of finding fewer opportunities for the kind of physical closeness that leads to spontaneous snuggling and sex. Logistically speaking, depending on your living arrangements, routines, family, and finances, it may be difficult to find the space or schedule to make separate slumber practical.
Further, because sharing a bed is inherently intimate, it’s important to approach the topic of separate beds with sensitivity—it may cause your partner to feel rejected, lonely, disconnected, or insecure, worried that your feelings or relationship has changed. Key to a successful sleep divorce is good communication and that both are comfortable and confident in the arrangement.
If your marital problems are too complicated for something like a “sleep divorce” to solve, the skilled and caring family attorneys at SFLG are here to guide you through the next steps.
By Debra Schoenberg
