It goes by many names—cyber-cheating, online affairs, digital infidelity.
Recent reports out of both the UK and the US reveal that an increasing number of divorcing couples cite problems stemming from digital media—including online infidelity—as a critical factor in the breakdown of their marriage.
Social media—and all sorts of online activities that cause us to spend too much time focused on the cyber world rather than the real one—can be harmful to our relationships. They can cause distraction, prevent us from being present with our partner and family, put distance between us, spark jealousy and resentment, invite unhealthy comparisons with curated online images or unrealistic portrayals of relationships, and so on.
However, technology and the internet have made certain kinds of betrayal especially easy and accessible.
What is digital infidelity?
Part of what makes online cheating so insidious is that it can be challenging to pin down precisely what it is.
It can involve sexting, flirting, or rekindling an old flame over social media, sending explicit images or videos, using dating or hookup apps, conducting a secret romantic relationship over email, and more.
It can also (and often does) begin as an innocent interaction that develops into a deeper emotional or sexual connection—whether or not it leads to an actual in-person encounter or relationship. It can start with a stranger, friend, or coworker.
Verywellmind explains, “An online affair, or cyber affair, is generally considered a form of cheating. Cyber affairs are secret extramarital relationships that include intimate and sexual undertones. “More broadly, cyber cheating can involve an emotional affair—a relationship (in this case virtual) that, in its depth and intensity, crosses a boundary, even if it does not become sexual.”
Complicating matters further, individuals—including spouses—may have different ideas about what constitutes cheating. Some people believe (or say they believe) that it’s not cheating if they’re not having actual sex.
But, as Dr. Andrew Rosen, PHD, Board-Certified Psychologist and Founder of The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders in Florida, writes, “Cheating happens when your partner goes beyond your feelings and beliefs about what type of contact is appropriate with another person.”
Or, as psychologist, author, and Stonybrook University professor John G. Cottone, Ph.D., explains, “What’s considered ‘cheating’ in a cyber-relationship is often unclear, but if the relationship must be kept secret, a line has likely been crossed.”
The emotional damage online cheating causes in a committed relationship can be just as devastating as physical intimacy with a partner outside the marriage. It destroys trust, spurs anger and jealousy, and causes the victimized partner to feel deceived, betrayed, and insecure. Notably, studies have found that about a third of today’s divorces begin with online infidelity.
Unfortunately, even when you suspect something is “off” about your spouse’s online behavior, a digital dalliance can be more difficult to identify and define than an old-fashioned affair.
Here are six signs your partner is cyber-cheating:
- They spend an unusual or excessive amount of time online, particularly in private. They isolate themselves during computer or phone use. When you enter the room, they close the laptop, minimize the screen, and turn the monitor away. They may be up all night on the computer while you’re asleep.
- They’re secretive about who they’re interacting with online.
- They change their passwords or suddenly password-protect devices and won’t let you have the password.
- They routinely clear their browser history.
- They keep you out of their online life—for example, they won’t let you friend or follow them on socials; they remove your access to their accounts.
- They get defensive when you bring it up; they don’t want to discuss their online time and activities.
Spouses cheat for many reasons. Online infidelity, like any other kind, is often a sign that there are underlying problems within the relationship. This may range from communication problems to lack of sexual connection, trust issues, mental health concerns, addiction, and more.
Couples can survive online infidelity. But it’s important to realize that virtual cheating is real cheating—serious and harmful. If your marriage is suffering due to digital infidelity, repairing your relationship will take time, commitment, clear communication, and active steps toward healing. Consider professional counseling. Some couples also find it helpful to preemptively discuss and establish specific guidelines around social media and other types of online interaction.
If you’ve reached the difficult decision to seek a divorce, the empathetic and experienced attorneys at SFLG are here to support and guide you through the process.
By Debra Schoenberg