Last week, actress Halle Berry filed for sole legal custody of 10-year-old Maceo, the son she shares with ex-husband actor Olivier Martinez, citing ongoing difficulties with co-parenting.
In their divorce, finalized last year (eight years after they split in 2015), the pair agreed to joint legal custody of Maceo. However, news outlets report Berry claims that despite her efforts to cooperate and improve their dynamic through co-parenting therapy, Martinez “refuses to co-parent or communicate in a child-centered way.”
Berry’s legal team alleges that Martinez ignores professional recommendations for their son, who has “educational challenges,” and stands in the way of important interventions Berry has sought for the child. The filing claims Martinez has been “oppositional, unmoving and withheld his consent for years,” which, Berry says, has exacerbated Maceo’s behavioral, psychological, and educational issues.
In their divorce, the pair agreed to share joint legal custody of their son. However, according to People Magazine, Berry’s latest filing requests sole legal custody, “or in the alternative, tie-breaking authority to make all decisions” about Maceo’s health, therapy, and education needs.
When co-parenting breaks down
Parenting is the best and most challenging job you’ll ever have. There’s no perfect way to do it, no foolproof formula or operator’s manual. It’s hard even when you’re in a happy, healthy, loving marriage or partnership with the child’s other parent—when you feel like a good team, agree on most things, work through it together, support one another, and keep up a united front.
But when the relationship between the parents breaks down, and you go through a messy, painful separation or divorce, co-parenting adds a whole new set of challenges.
“Co-” anything means “with, together, joint, jointly,” according to Merriam-Webster.
When your marriage or romantic partnership falls apart, doing anything involving cooperation, collaboration, and ongoing communication with your ex can seem impossible.
However, in custody considerations, the court must always protect the child’s best interests above all. Except in rare circumstances, having an ongoing, consistent, meaningful relationship with both parents is considered in your child’s best interests.
Most likely, there’s at least one thing you and your ex can agree on—you both love your child and want to do whatever you can to provide structure, stability, and a sense of normalcy; you want to help them adjust and thrive in a difficult time.
Healthy, functional co-parenting happens when both parties can set aside their differences and emotions enough to be reasonable, respectful, flexible, and communicative, share responsibilities, and put the child’s needs first.
Again, this is challenging, especially in the early days following a split. Take heart—with time (and healing), commitment, practice, and some key logistical tools in place, such as a solid parenting plan and helpful parenting apps; it usually does get smoother and more manageable.
Parallel parenting may offer a solution in high-conflict situations
There are times when the rift between the ex-spouses is too deep, the gulf too wide, the pain too raw, the conflict too bitter and unresolved, and the parenting styles too different.
Sometimes, one or both parents create a genuinely toxic environment with total refusal to cooperate or compromise or by repeatedly breaking agreed-upon rules and plans; or the situation constantly devolves into blame, accusations, name-calling, harassment, or threats; sometimes one parent displays narcissistic tendencies.
If co-parenting with your ex has genuinely broken down, you may succeed more with a parallel parenting arrangement.
In Psychology Today, Dr. Edward Kruk, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of Social Work at the University of British Columbia, a specialist in child and family policy, and author of numerous books on parenting after divorce, explains:
“Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”
In a shared custody situation, parallel parenting means minimizing interaction between the parents and allowing each to parent their own way when the child is with them.
Parallel parenting can offer numerous benefits, including:
Staying involved. In high-conflict situations, parallel parenting can ensure that both parents stay actively engaged in the child’s life despite the adults’ discord.
Dialing down the conflict. Your child should never feel stuck in the middle of your battles! Exposure to ongoing disputes and stress creates a toxic environment that is bad for children’s wellbeing and development. Reducing contact between the battling parents can reduce conflict; this enables both parents to center their kid more fully and establish a more peaceful, stable, healthy child-rearing environment.
Provide breathing room. When exes disagree on the details of daily parenting, a parallel arrangement offers each person the flexibility, freedom, and independence to parent as they see fit, guided by their values and priorities for the child. Because children thrive on consistency, it’s generally wise to hammer out a structured parenting plan that establishes basic guidelines—mediation can help in this process. Remember that some issues (like a child’s medical needs) may require absolute adherence.
The long game. With time, clear boundaries, distance, and independence provided by parallel parenting can help improve the relationship and communication between parents. Down the road, you can grow into some level of collaborative co-parenting again.
Of course, in some cases—such as when there has been violence, abuse, severe neglect, or substance misuse—parallel or co-parenting may not be an option. You must speak with your attorney immediately if parental fitness is in question. The court may need to intervene.
The skilled and caring family lawyers at SFLG are experienced in all aspects of divorce, custody, parenting plans, and high-conflict situations. We can help you navigate even the most difficult co-parenting concerns.
By Debra Schoenberg
