CDC data from 2024 showed that about 15.5 million adult Americans – or 6% of the adult population – have an ADHD diagnosis. Roughly half of them received that diagnosis in adulthood, and approximately one-third take a stimulant medication to help manage symptoms.
There’s no one way to experience ADHD – it’s as individual as each person who has it. But here are a few common types of descriptions:
It has its upsides – you may feel highly creative and full of colorful, out-of-the-box ideas. But there’s an internal motor that you can’t turn off. Interest and attention go in a thousand directions at once. Your mind is like an internet browser with dozens of tabs open. Thoughts race, ricochet, swerve, spin, and won’t ever shut off. You can’t filter out things going on in your environment – the music, the barking dog, the bright lights, the itchy tag in your sweater – and it all collides with everything going on inside your head, and feels like chaos. Mundane tasks nag at you, hang over your head, but you just can’t seem to start – let alone complete – them. Yet sometimes you get so focused on one captivating thing that hours disappear in a flash. Time is weird, blurry, unreal. You often feel like you’re being caught doing something wrong or inferior; self-doubt and shame are your constant companions; any criticism stings and feels deeply personal. You have big emotions, trouble controlling impulses. You’re physically restless and mentally exhausted – just generally overwhelmed a lot of the time.
What is ADHD?
As explained by the Mayo Clinic, “Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental health disorder that includes a combination of persistent problems, such as difficulty paying attention, hyperactivity and impulsive behavior.”
Although this neurodevelopmental disorder develops in childhood, the condition can last into adulthood, and many people who suffer from it aren’t diagnosed until later in life.
“Adult ADHD can lead to unstable relationships, poor work or school performance, low self-esteem, and other problems,” according to the Mayo Clinic.
ADHD, both treated and untreated, can impact your marriage – and some evidence suggests the treatment itself may have negative effects.
How does ADHD affect marriage?
Some studies have found that relationships involving one partner who has ADHD are twice as likely to fail.
People with ADHD can, of course, be wonderful, loving, engaging, exciting, highly functional partners and parents, and enjoy happy, fulfilling marriages. Nevertheless, it’s true that the symptoms of ADHD can present challenges within intimate relationships.
Issues like distraction, forgetfulness, disorganization, restlessness, emotional outbursts, impulsiveness (making snap decisions, blurting things out), problems with time management and problem-solving, a low tolerance for frustration, and difficulty dealing with stimuli in their surroundings can make it hard for couples to communicate effectively and find balance in the day-to-day business of marriage and family life. In some cases, ADHD impulsiveness can lead to problems like infidelity.
Research has shown that a high percentage of partners of ADHD individuals report that their spouses’ symptoms make it difficult to manage household and family duties. The non-ADHD partner may experience burnout from extra logistical or emotional burdens – becoming a kind of caretaker, frequently picking up the slack, compensating for tasks that the ADHD person has trouble accomplishing.
ADDitude Mag conducted a survey of readers in ADHD-impacted marriages. Although few respondents were actively moving toward divorce, around 70% had at least contemplated it: 10% replied that they were actively considering or pursuing divorce; 38% said they’d been close to divorce at some point, and 22% reported that divorce had crossed their mind.
But experts offer important nuance here: ADHD itself doesn’t have to doom a marriage. The problem is that unrecognized, undiagnosed, or untreated symptoms can produce recurring conflict based on misunderstanding or misinterpreting what is actually happening. ADHD symptoms may be misread as a lack of care or a kind of character flaw.
Do ADHD drugs affect marriage?
Many individuals living with ADHD benefit from medications such as Adderall or Vyvanse.
While they work in somewhat different ways, these two common ADHD drugs are both amphetamine-based stimulants. They work by increasing two brain chemicals – dopamine and norepinephrine – that play a key role in focus, attention, and impulse control. By boosting them, these medications can help improve alertness and concentration, while reducing hyperactivity and impulsive behavior.
Getting treatment may help people with ADHD function and communicate better within their marriage and family life. Becoming a better listener – less distracted or emotionally reactive, for example – can reduce conflict; improving executive function can help them complete tasks and be more organized, improving the balance of household responsibilities and reducing the “caregiver” dynamic.
On the other hand, although well-supported data on the impact of ADHD drugs on relationships is difficult to pin down, some anecdotal evidence suggests there may be perceived negative impacts for marriage as well.
People taking ADHD drugs may describe feeling “flat,” numb, less reactive to stimuli (positive and negative), or having a reduced emotional range.
Some studies and surveys have found sexual side effects such as changes in libido (decrease or increase) and sexual function. (The FDA-approved labeling for Vyvanse explicitly lists sexual side effects, though in low percentages.)
Irritability, anxiety, and emotional sensitivity may accompany the “rebound” that happens as the medication wears off between doses.
And, in some cases – such as this woman who wrote in to the Daily Mail for advice – the person with ADHD feels better on medication (calmer, more focused and in control) and likes the new version of themself, but their partner is surprised by the changes medication produces in their loved one, finding them less adventurous, outgoing, or exciting.
Negotiating the dynamics of ADHD – or its treatment – can be challenging in marriage. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help, be it medication or marriage therapy. If you’ve come to the difficult decision that it’s best to move on, speak with the caring and experienced family law attorneys at SLFG.
By Debra Schoenberg
