Raising your kids is quite possibly the most important and rewarding job you’ll ever do – and also one of the hardest. Being a parent has never been easy, but it seems that parents today face challenges, concerns, and cultural expectations that earlier generations largely did not.
In “Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents” (2024), former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy outlined some of the big things today’s parents worry about: the impact of social media on their children, gun violence (including school shootings), and the mental health crisis and loneliness epidemic among youth.
Parents also struggle with their own role and ideas of what it means to be a successful parent. In addition to facing an unprecedented level of modern “Parenting” expectations, they’re living in a tough economic and employment climate, with technology creating seismic changes and constant uncertainty.
“One response to a world in which success and fulfillment feel increasingly out of reach,” says Murthy, “has been an intensifying culture of comparison—often propagated by influencers and online trends—with unrealistic expectations around the milestones, parenting strategies, achievements and status symbols that kids and parents must pursue. Chasing these unreasonable expectations has left many families feeling exhausted, burned out, and perpetually behind.”
As the report also points out, in recent decades both mothers and fathers have increased the time they spend on employed work and primary childcare.
In the study, 41% of parents said that most days they are so stressed they cannot function, and 48% said that most days their stress is completely overwhelming. Many report feeling ”numb.”
This isn’t just bad for parents. “The mental health of parents and kids are deeply intertwined,” Murthy emphasized.
Signs your parental stress is getting out of hand
True parental burnout is a distinct psychological syndrome, first defined by Belgian researchers Isabelle Roskam and Moira Mikolajczak, with a specific set of characteristics. Here are a few of the red flags:
- You’re beyond tired and stressed. You’re so overwhelmed – physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted – that you can’t enjoy family time.
- You feel like you’re carrying most of the “mental load” for the family – doing not only the bulk of the obvious parenting tasks but also the invisible, behind-the- scenes labor of planning, preparing, scheduling, and so on.
- You’re losing your sense of self or identity. You’ve neglected yourself, and have no time for things that recharge your batteries.
- You feel disconnected from your kids and family, like you’re just going through the motions of parenting without the presence, warmth and satisfaction you used to feel. You may be withdrawn or irritable with kids and spouse.
- You feel like you’re failing as a parent. You have no sense of accomplishment. There’s a stark contrast between the parent you set out to be, or used to be, and how you view yourself now.
How parental burnout impacts your marriage
“The pathway from parental burnout to relationship breakdown is well-documented. Chronically depleted parents have less emotional and cognitive resources available for their partner. Conflict increases – not because the relationship has fundamentally changed, but because the regulation and goodwill needed to navigate it smoothly have been used up elsewhere.” says The Hart Center. “Burned-out parents report significantly higher rates of relationship dissatisfaction and are at elevated risk of separation.”
Even if you’re not sure you satisfy the clinical definition of parental burnout, the stress and exhaustion of modern parenting may still be affecting your relationship.
A significant body of research over the past few decades has shown that a high proportion of couples see the quality of their relationship decline after the birth of a child, and examined the relationship between parenting stress and marital satisfaction.
Here are 5 tips from the experts on how to beat burnout and reconnect with your spouse
- Talk about it. As always in marriage, communication is key. Have an honest talk with your partner about what you’re feeling – about the stress and overload, but also about your relationship. Let them know you love them and desire more connection and closeness but are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
- Make time to be partners – not just parents. Partnership thrives on connection. But when you’re stressed and exhausted, the idea of “date night” can seem like just another item for the to-do list, something to plan and accomplish. Commit to mini-dates. Get up 20 minutes before the kids and have coffee together. Step outside after they’re in bed and sip wine on the patio. Take the baby monitor with you if you have to, but talk about something other than the kids. Work on a puzzle or play a simple, fun game. Cuddle up and watch a show together, even a single episode; get hooked on a must-see series that will keep you both coming back to the couch. Feed the kids first and eat a grown up meal together later – order in so no one has to cook or do a lot of clean up. Get physical – maybe that means sex, maybe not, there are many kinds of intimacy, touch helps you reconnect. Put your phones away.
- Divide and conquer – Even when a couple genuinely intends and attempts to split parenting tasks as equally as possible, one partner often bears more of the load – Sit down together and make some honest lists. Assess all the child- and household- related tasks, and the planning that goes into them, and who’s actually doing what. Can you split it better? Are there things you’re doing that just aren’t essential, which you can let go? Check in with one another regularly, and renegotiate as needed.
- Take a moment. Prioritize me-time and small acts of self-care. Even a few minutes alone, a few deep breaths, or a quick walk can help recharge your batteries.If you’ve stopped taking care of yourself – getting exercise, eating well, seeing a friend, working on your favorite hobby, doing whatever you do to relax and restore – you won’t have the resources to take care of others.
- Get professional help. Maybe you’re the parent that’s feeling burnout. Or maybe both spouses feel that parenting stress is coming between you as a couple, eroding your bond. In either case don’t be afraid to talk to a therapist or marriage counselor. Seek help before the problem becomes insurmountable.
The dedicated family law attorneys at SFLG understand the challenges today’s parents face. If you’ve reached the difficult decision that your marriage can’t be saved, we can help you navigate custody, parenting plans, and all aspects of your dissolution.
by Debra Schoenberg
