It’s back-to-school season – and in addition to the long list of supplies, it comes with a big range of feelings.
For kids, the excitement of reconnecting with friends, meeting new teachers, starting new classes and activities, mixes with end-of-summer blues, the usual worries about the academic year, and adjusting to more structured days.
Parents who have been scrambling to keep the kids happy and entertained all summer while juggling a job and household responsibilities may be ready for a little peace, quiet, and routine. Then again, the hectic school year schedule can make you long for the lazy, hazy days.
But for recently divorced families, or those who are still mid-split, back-to-school comes with an extra helping of emotional concerns and logistical hurdles. Younger children may fret over questions like who will pick them up or whether they like their teacher, while older kids may worry about getting to important practices or events, about their friends treating them differently, or about changing financial resources affecting college prospects.
The Center for Divorce Education, a leading non-profit that offers co-parenting classes to reduce conflict and help families navigate the challenges of divorce, explains that divorce and children’s education are deeply “intertwined.” Divorce can impact children’s school experience directly (having to change schools) and indirectly (stress and emotions that make it difficult to focus in the classroom). On the other hand, they point out, “The routine of school, familiar teachers and friendships can provide a comforting sense of normalcy for children going through a divorce.”
The challenges are real – and there isn’t one perfect way to manage them. But there are things that you, as co-parents, can do to make a tough transition a little easier. You can support your child’s learning and school experience together, even after you’re apart.
Be a team. Remember that your child’s education, success at school, and ability to thrive in that environment are a shared goal, something you both care deeply about. No matter how tense things are between you and your ex right now, focus on your child and try to set aside your personal differences when it comes to supporting them in the transition back to school and throughout the academic year. Make sure your child knows and consistently sees that even though you don’t live together anymore, they still have full, united support from both of you. Especially if you have a young child, take them to school together on the first day if you can.
Stay involved at school. Divorce can make you feel completely overloaded, emotionally and logistically. Nonetheless, as the CDC points out, parent engagement at school is “closely linked to better student behavior, higher academic achievement, and enhanced social skills.” It also reduces the risk that children will get involved in unhealthy activities (ex: substance use, risky sexual behaviors). Harvard Graduate School of Education affirms that family involvement is linked with positive outcomes at every stage, from preschool through high school. Volunteer, go on field trips, attend parent-teacher conferences, curriculum nights, concerts, and sports events.
Provide consistency (with wiggle room). Getting settled into two separate households isn’t easy, for you or your children. But you can help your kids feel settled and stable by sticking to certain routines, rules, and expectations (e.g., before/after school, homework, bedtime, device use, grades, etc.) across both homes. Naturally, there will be some variation based on each parent’s schedule, priorities, expectations, and parenting style. Try to agree on some basics for your kid’s sake – but it’s not about being a control freak; respect your coparenting partner’s choices, says Kids First: “For effective co-parenting, it is key for kids to know what the rules are and understand that each set of rules is supported by both parents.”
Communicate. As in all things co-parenting-related, clear, open communication is key.
- With each other – It may be really hard to interact with your ex right now, and that’s understandable. How you choose to manage it is up to you – email, text, apps designed for divorced parents – but keeping the lines open is crucial. Be generous with information and proactive in sharing it. Head off conflict by planning ahead: review your parenting plan, discuss logistics and expectations to get on the same page.
- With the school – Reach out to your child’s teacher, principal, guidance counselor, coach, activity directors, and so on to give them a heads up about what’s happening, as well as some basics of your parenting plan. They need to know who to contact in an emergency, and practical details like who is picking up the child, especially if there are any protective orders. It’s also important for them to be aware of what your child is going through psychologically, and any concerns you have.
- With your kid – Encourage your child to share their feelings and fears. Let them know you’re there to listen. Validate their emotions. Young children may wonder who will pick them up after school; older kids may worry that their friends will treat them differently or that they’ll have to answer uncomfortable questions.
Get organized – in detail.
- A shared calendar is essential. Be sure to include:
- All dates and schedules outlined in your parenting plan
- Regular school day schedule, drop-offs, and pick-ups
- After-school care and extracurriculars
- Homework assignments, project deadlines, dates of quizzes and exams
- Turn-in dates for fees, permission slips, etc.
- Practice and rehearsal schedules
- School-related special events: curriculum nights, concerts, games, plays, dances, field trips, spirit days, picture day
- Parent-Teacher conferences
- No matter how you share parenting time, Kids First recommends designating one home as the school “paperwork headquarters.” This prevents important documents like official forms and permission slips from falling through the cracks, or worse, forcing your child to coordinate it and choose which parent it should go to. Whoever is managing paperwork, keep the other in the loop.
- Plan ahead for how you’ll divide tasks and costs, like shopping for school supplies and clothes.
Set up for success. Carve out a dedicated, well-stocked homework station in each home so your child always has a routine, a place to concentrate, and the materials they need for assignments. The backpack is also crucial – be sure it’s up to date with whatever they need (books, supplies, homework, snacks), organized, and that it travels with your kid at all times.
Start early. Whether your summer was smooth and calm, with some good times despite the big changes, or really bumpy and emotional, it will take some time to get into the swing of the school year. Give yourself a little runway to adjust to earlier bedtimes and wake-ups, evening routines, and getting used to how they’ll switch between houses during the year. If they’re starting a new school, look for ways you can help ease them in ahead of time – visit, meet the teacher if possible, practice the route to school. Kids thrive on structure, so a head start can help not only with back-to-school but also in establishing a sense of stability and a new normal during a time of upheaval.
The veteran family law attorneys at SFLG are experts in drafting highly tailored parenting plans that put kids’ needs first and help make co-parenting and family life – including school transitions – smoother for everyone.
By Debra Schoenberg
