Your parents probably aren’t perfect. But if you were fortunate enough to be raised by people who could provide relative stability and support, they fed you, clothed you, took you to school and activities, cheered you on, sat by your bed when you were sick; maybe later they helped with college, or your wedding, or the grandkids…
But now things are changing. Your parents are aging, slowing down; their health is in decline. Perhaps it’s just little things adding up, or maybe someone has a serious illness. They need a lot of help: rides to doctor appointments, assistance with meals, housework, and managing medication, maybe even bathing or getting dressed. Perhaps they’re getting forgetful or vulnerable to falls; you’re concerned about them being alone. Maybe you help out financially, or they’ve even come to live with you.
Over time, you’ve started stepping in to help with various tasks, big and small, some deeply personal – and you’ve done so with a full heart. You’ve become a caregiver.
Maybe this role is on top of your job, in addition to your own nuclear family responsibilities (if you still have kids at home), or at the expense of any “me time” (exercise, hobbies, relaxation), social activities, or quality time with your spouse.
It’s a lot: time, responsibility, logistics, difficult decisions, worry, emotional weight, and expense. And now, it’s impossible to ignore – it’s starting to affect your marriage.
Maybe your spouse has become concerned – or even started to resent – the ways caregiving drains your time, energy, and bank account. Or perhaps, they’re in the same boat with their own parents, and you’re both overwhelmed, exhausted, and financially strained.
It’s well-documented that caregivers can face major stress and burnout, suffering significant burdens on their own physical and mental health.
According to the Cleveland Clinic: “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that can happen when you dedicate time and energy to manage the health and safety of someone else. Caregivers who experience burnout may feel tired, stressed, withdrawn, anxious and depressed. Caregiver burnout can impact a person in various ways, including physically, psychologically, financially and socially.”
Informal (unpaid) caregivers are also more likely to stop working or reduce their hours, thereby losing income.
It makes intuitive sense that this would adversely impact your marriage. And a 2009 Caring.com survey of baby boomers caring for aging parents backed that up:
- 80% reported strains on their relationships.
- 46% said caregiving damaged their romantic relationships.
- 25% of divorced respondents said caregiving played a major role in their divorce.
The study also revealed that “Baby boomers who are working full-time, are providing financial assistance to aging parents, and/or have aging parents living with them are at the greatest risk of marital strain.”
Nearly two decades later, the baby boom generation (now 62-80 years old) straddles the age when they may be caregivers…or become those who need care.
Meanwhile, GenXers (ages 46-61) are now moving toward the caregiving role with their parents. Not only that – the Pew Research Center estimates that almost a quarter of GenX are part of the so-called “sandwich generation” – meaning that in their 40s, they find themselves with both dependent children and aging parents 65+. (Gen X is also facing an unusual level of general economic stress.)
A new report, Love Under Pressure: The Effect of Caring for Elderly Parents on Marital Quality, by
Huong Nguyen, released this April, argues that the impact of eldercare on marriage has been relatively understudied. The author “aims to explore…caregivers’ divorce decisions and marital quality as a consequence of eldercare.”
Nguyen’s key findings reinforce and expand on the earlier study’s results:
- In Nguyen’s study, caregiving increased the probability of divorce by approximately 2 percentage points. That may sound small, but Nguyen estimates it represents a 61% increase relative to the baseline divorce rate.
- In many cases, caregiving crept up on couples – being undertaken unexpectedly and without a real plan in place.
- Caregivers report lower marital quality – more stress and less satisfaction within the marriage
- Combined pressures add up to marital strain:
- Caregivers’ psychological and emotional health suffers
- Caregivers become less likely to maintain full-time employment, reducing financial stability and increasing strain
- Household income/net worth decline
- The marital impact of elder care is worse for:
- Lower-income families. Households with significant assets or savings may be able to hire formal care or absorb reduced income and increased expenses.
- Couples with higher levels of education. “The opportunity cost of time is higher due to stronger labor market attachment and higher wages; as a result, caregiving may lead to greater income loss or career disruption, intensifying marital tension,” Nguyen says.
- Those with fewer children. Families with fewer kids have “more limited access to intra-household support, concentrating caregiving responsibilities among fewer family members and increasing the overall burden.”
- Men…maybe. The divorce rate increased slightly more (2.7%) when men were the caregivers vs. women (2%), and Nguyen says this may be attributed to men being “less socially prepared for intensive caregiving responsibilities,” and more affected by the career/income strain, while women may have more caregiving experience (e.g., children). But she cautions against overemphasizing the gender difference, as men and women were both significantly affected.
- “Caregiving can slowly reshape the emotional foundation of a marriage,” Nguyen found. “Over time, couples may spend less time focusing on each other and more time focused on caregiving responsibilities. Small losses in time, attention and emotional availability can accumulate over months or years.”
According to Nguyen, “Even loving couples can struggle when they are balancing work, caregiving responsibilities, financial concerns and their own relationship all at once.”
If your marriage is struggling due to the pressures of caring for aging parents, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Numerous online resources are also available. And if you’ve reached the difficult decision that your marriage cannot survive, the experienced and caring family law attorneys at SFLG can help you navigate the next steps.
by Debra Schoenberg
