In recent years, a great deal of research and media attention has focused on the sharp rise in gray divorce – splits among couples aged 50+.
While both the crude divorce rate (measured against the entire population) and the refined divorce rate (measures the number of divorces per 1000 married women) have declined in the past 30+ years, the number of gray divorces has increased significantly – from less than 9% of divorces in 1990 to about 36% in 2025. Nearly a quarter of U.S. divorces happen after 25 or more years of marriage, according to Pew.
In other words, the population most likely to have children heading off to college is the specific group in which divorce has been on the rise.
Many modern factors appear to contribute to the later-in-life divorce trend: longer life spans (increasing the period in which one might get divorced), growing unwillingness to accept an unfulfilling marriage, decreased stigma about divorce in general, and increased financial independence among women, to name a few.
And then there’s the part where the kids fly the coop. Research is still developing in this area, and a direct causal relationship between the empty nest and divorce has not been established— however, it seems, at least anecdotally, that this massive shift in personal life and family dynamics can reveal underlying fissures in a relationship.
A recent New York Times article tells the story of 60+-year-old Alan Hickenbottom, who describes his realization that he wanted out of his three-decade marriage. He and his wife “threw themselves enthusiastically into raising their two children, he said. But as often happens, when the kids left for college, Mr. Hickenbottom realized that [they] were more like colleagues and roommates than romantic partners.”
The trope of parents who “stay together for the kids” is common. In some cases, the couple knows they’re very unhappy, but they intentionally wait for the kids to leave before they split up, believing an intact family is the best choice until then. In cases where tension was palpable, kids may be unsurprised by a split after they leave. (It’s worth noting that research consistently shows that ongoing exposure to intense conflict is more harmful to children than divorce).
In other cases, however, an empty nest is simply the catalyst for realizing the marriage itself is an “empty shell,” as the Times described it. The relationship may not be hostile or high-conflict; the partners have just grown apart. In these situations, the college kid may be genuinely blindsided by a sudden divorce announcement.
In either case, couples who decide to end the marriage once the kids are off at school might assume that a grown-and-flown child will be better equipped to handle divorce than a younger child – mature enough to understand and process it.
While it’s true that older teens and young twenty-somethings are cognitively able to grasp the difficulties and nuances of adult relationships, that doesn’t mean divorce is easier or less painful.
Studies on how empty-nester divorce affects college kids remain scarce. But it’s clear they can experience serious emotional and logistical impacts.
Here are 9 key things parents should know about getting divorced when their kid goes to college.
- Off on their own, but not fully grown. Your nest is “empty,” but realistically, your child is probably not completely fledged – or ready to be. College is a big step in the direction of independence, but kids don’t become fully formed adults the moment the Twin XL sheets are on the dorm room bed. Older children are less dependent on their parents for their physical needs, but you’re still a major source of security, stability, and emotional support.
- Transition on top of transition. Going off to college is a big adjustment that some kids struggle with in and of itself. The parents’ divorce, especially if unexpected, can add significant stress and emotional load. “For students whose collegiate journey precipitates their parents’ divorce announcement, their lives are suddenly thrown into a tailspin, making an already challenging transition even more difficult,” says Penn State’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS).
- Loss of a stable home base – While young children of divorcing parents worry about day-to-day details like who will pick them up from school or put them to bed, college students have their own concerns and version of those unmoored feelings when their parents move into separate homes. Who will I live with in the summer? Will each parent have a space for me? What about my old room? Where will I put my stuff? How will holidays work? Will I have to choose? Will my parents be able to come to campus events and graduation together?
- Emotions can run the gamut. Your grown child may intellectually understand adult relationships and reasons for divorce, but they can still feel shock, confusion, loss, sorrow, anger, resentment, anxiety, and destabilization. In Psychology Today, Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT writes that she tells her adult clients, “You’re grieving the loss of your family as it had always been.”
- Intimate relationships – College students are in the phase of life where they may be starting to explore more serious romantic relationships. Their parents’ divorce can raise questions and doubts about their own memories of family life, their perceptions and preconceived notions of marriage. Did my parents ever even love each other? That, in turn, can affect how they approach intimacy, trust, and commitment. They may worry about their ability to sustain a meaningful relationship or about whether their partner will stay.
- Role reversal / Caught in-between. College-age kids may feel torn between needing to focus on their own independence, studies, and personal development, plus their own sense of grief and loss, and needing to provide emotional support for their parents in a difficult time. Parents who have split may feel freer to discuss personal details with an older child, adding pressure by putting their young adult in the position of confidante. Adult children may, like younger children, feel stuck in the middle, forced to take sides.
- Trouble in school. Emotional turmoil can have academic consequences. Grief and worry may make it difficult to concentrate on studies; anxiety or depression can disrupt sleep, making it hard to keep up with the demands of higher ed.
- Need for a support system. While many parents recognize the importance of finding therapy or counseling for younger children who are living at home during divorce, that need may not be understood or met for a child who’s already off at college. One option is to encourage them to seek services available on campus. “Part of CAPS’ job is to figure out exactly how the student has been affected, and how this news fits into their view of relationships and security,” as well as offering academic support. Campus counseling services typically provide individual and group therapy, and may also conduct family sessions.
- Financial impacts. Students may legitimately worry about how the split will affect tuition payments, related college expenses, and their financial aid packages. Choose a family law attorney and financial adviser who are knowledgeable about planning for college as a divorced family.
The experienced and caring family law attorneys at SFLG understand how important your child’s education is to you. We can help you navigate complex legal issues related to gray divorce and make smart decisions that support your college student through this tough transition.
By Debra Schoenberg
